Fenty protects us from commuters

It’s just as we pedestrians suspected all along. All those caffeinated attorneys and government drones in Volvos are out to get us–and not just with lawsuits and taxes. They’re using their cars, and Mayor Fenty’s fighting back with a new traffic plan. Predictably, the commuters are complaining.

Washington’s pedestrian death rate is higher than New York City’s, Chicago’s, and Los Angeles’s, inspiring bald beauty Fenty to propose the Pedestrian Master Plan (Chills? Me too). Using choice phrases like “sidewalk gap analysis,” the plan lays out a basic map of problem pedestrian areas, and how the District plans to fix them.

Part of the plan is an all-out assault on suburban commuters. The city has already made a couple of the busiest routes into and out of the city one-way, prompting AAA’s John Townsend to call D.C.”the most anti-car city in the country.” C’est horrible!

Death merchants from the exurbs, the sort of people Townsend represents, are crying foul. They say that Fenty has overstepped his bounds in his attempts to keep them out of the District. If they’d read the news, they’d know a new traffic plan is desperately needed.

For the District, the master plan means less pollution, fewer deaths and decreased congestion. Arlington commuters are probably just angry that these changes will make the District more livable.

One Comment on “Fenty protects us from commuters

  1. I don’t know if I’d call commuters death merchants, but no congestion pricing, no peace, I always say.

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