FINIS Magazine: Teaching you to cope with privilege, undermine the opposite sex
I’m almost at a loss for words for how to describe FINIS Magazine, the latest journalistic endeavor to emerge from Georgetown undergrads this summer (move over, Hoya Insider!). So, I’ll just let FINIS founder Carlisle Alessandra Williams (COL ’10) do it for me.
“It’s a journal for people who, well, would read something whose title is in Latin,” Williams told the Peter J. Grace, the Georgetown University Examiner and, not incidentally, a writer for FINIS. “It’s a no-holds-barred reflection of our culture and lifestyles. The audience is definitely intellectually curious young twenty-somethings, who don’t take themselves too seriously.”
Fortunately for me, though, I took some Latin in college (if you’re wondering what “finis” means, I’ll give you a hint: it doesn’t mean beginning). Williams also states that the magazine was born out of her examination of the problems of print media and her attempt to find an “entirely different medium.”
As FINIS’s introduction states:
“As a response to the growing concern about the state of print journalism, this new publication seeks to develop an innovative approach to bringing creative writing, solid journalism, and introspective social commentary to the intellectually curious on the Internet.”
In other words: take note, dying print publications.
But enough dilly-dallying. When I finally checked out the site, I found everything you would expect from a publication which, in the words of Grace, “continues [the] quest for amusement for the young and idle rich.”
Not counting some sort of bizarre personal statement (sample: “I am the idol which you will pray, envy; a desire distracting, drowning in delirium.”), the Affairs section has two dating articles which are almost perfectly suited to each other, in terms of immorality and insipidness.
Eric Matthews kicks it off with an article advising guys to ignore average girls in bars. Instead, Matthews writes, insult hot girls who will have to sleep with you to validate themselves:
You’re average, she’s hot. How could you NOT want a piece of that? This is when the awesome girl logic comes in to play. In order to prove that she is as attractive as she thinks she is, she needs to bang you. If she can’t get an ugly guy because he isn’t interested in her, that translates to her as “Holy crap, Fatty McGee is out of my league?”
In the next article, Catherine Castillo (BC ’10) advises girls to go on dates with guys, leading them on just for the food:
Some other helpful hints: play stupid whenever he tries to make a move, and finally sit back, relax, and see just how persistent he can be. Trust me- it’ll take him at least 4 dates to figure out you just “wanted to be friends all along.” By then you’ll be comfortable enough with him to completely shoot down any sudden sexual advances and surely you’ll have already picked out your next few friendly dates. Later, ignoring his texts/calls/voicemail messages will be a breeze because you’ll be so busy!
Here’s to hoping that Matthews runs into Castillo in a bar and finds her attractive enough to insult. She’ll lead him on for four dates (free food!) before (not part of the plan) sleeping with him because, you know, she’s a girl and has to for the sake of her self-esteem.
I don’t have much to say about the Fashion section, largely because when I tried to peruse it, the voice reading it in my head was Brüno’s. Seriously, you try to imagine him reading this passage, flamboyant hand flips and all, without bursting out laughing:
We will all forgive you if you spend three thousand dollars on those sky-high spacecraftesque Louboutin pumps because you just HAVE to have them. What we will not forgive is not looking your absolute best. Looking your best means feeling your most confident; which makes kicking butt and taking names just that much more rewarding.
Lastly, in the Cultural Phenomena section, Grace himself offers some counsel for the troubled GOP. His thesis: it’s all in the suits. Brooks Brothers suits, to be exact. Conservatives wear suits which speak of the “unlabored grace that a classically American suit affords its wearer.” The other guy? A “ranting champagne socialist, clad in a velvet suit with a Salvador Dalí print on it.”
So, Mitt Romney, Eric Cantor, Bobby Jindal, et al, some advice:
The Republican Party will do well to take a lesson from Brooks Brothers and recognize what it did well in the 20th century: strong national defense without large-scale intervention and low taxes coupled with low spending.
These past few months of cavalier government expenditures and elitist social engineering (the work of a president who sheds his jacket in the Oval Office and favors the open collar!) offer the perfect opportunity for a resurgence of the Brooks Brothers Republicans.
Now if only Grace could go back in time to give the same message to Reagan.
If you’re hungry for more FINIS, it looks like they’ve posted their second issue (with the charming title “Start coping with privilege”), so go knock yourself out. Just don’t take me with you.