Fact: There are no monkeys in the Arctic Circle. You sit on a throne of lies, Alex Turner.

Friday

Grunge metal? Stoner rock? Power sludge? Who knows. Head over to the Rock and Roll Hotel tonight to see Pelican, a genre-bending act that’s currently touring the States with Black Cobra and Disappearer to promote their newest album, “What We All Come to Need.” While you’re there, try to stick another label to the band—I’m thinking pre-techno-grindcore-powerpop. Don’t forget to bring $14. Pay to play, kids. (Doors open at 8:30 p.m.)

Monday

Alec Ounsworth of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah doesn’t just have a fun name to say, he also writes some damn good songs! Ounsworth and his friends from Dr. Dog, The Walkmen, and Man Man are touring at indie-supergroup (is that an oxymoron?) Flashy Python. Check them out at DC9 next Monday for the low, low price of $12. (Doors open at 8:30 p.m.)

Tuesday

Arctic Monkeys will be in  D.C. next Tuesday, but—Oh no!—the concert at the 9:30 Club is sold-out. Luckily for you, tickets are still to be had on some “series of tubes” known as the “Interwebs.” Prices range from $50-70 on Craigslist and Ebay, but if you’re interested, snatch ‘em up quickly—they’ll only get more expensive as the seconds tick away. (Doors open at 7:00 p.m.)

Thursday

Coming off of a successful run on the center-stage of my night terrors for the last decade, GWAR is coming to the 9:30 Club next Thursday—presumably to send chills down my spine and frighten me into the fetal position. Although most of the musicians behind the masks are pushing 50 now, GWAR is still an act to see if you’re running empty on nightmare fuel. For $20, you’ll get an intense concert, plus a lifetime of therapy. (Doors open at 7:00 p.m.)

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