Last night, Americans across the nation glued their eyes to their television screens where powerful figures addressed issues of national importance and immediacy. And if you happened to change the channel during commercial breaks, I think Obama might have been making a speech or something?
1) Josh (previously #7)
Our favorite token tattooed guy had quite the dramatic episode, catapulting him into the top half of these rankings for the first time. A lot of the episode featured his rocky relationship with pink-haired girlfriend Ashley. First, he accuses her of cheating on him, then she comes to visit and the two won’t shut up about how in love they are. But after he hooks up with some thirty-something in shiny leggings and arm-warmers that he meets at a bar and his girlfriend miraculously finds out about it via this crazy invention called the Internet, he tells her he just may need a break. Talk about a roller coaster.
Choice Quotation: “I’m not having sex with anybody. I’m not getting my dick sucked, which I could be.”
Moment of High Comedy: A close-up of him shows that the giant cross tattoo on his bicep says “Grandma” underneath it. If that’s not bad-ass, I don’t know what is.
2) Ty (previously #4)
Although Emily seems content with her and Ty’s strictly physical relationship (after all, this isn’t some classy show like The Bachelor), Ty apparently doesn’t see it that way. When he and Emily are dancing at McFadden’s, Ty decides that’s the prime opportunity to tell her she’s “unbelievable” and he’s in love with her. Because every girl dreams of a guy telling her he loves her in a bar. In a college bar. On The Real World.
Choice Quotation: “I so wanna do you.” And they say romance is dead.
Moment of High Comedy: After Emily basically tells him he doesn’t have a good enough personality for her to want to take their hooking up any further, he says “good talk” and walks out of the room. I don’t think he got it.
3) Erika (previously #8)
Erika’s a musician. No, scratch that. Erika’s a “musician.” And when she gets the opportunity to perform live with The Cab (What?! You’ve never heard of them?! How is that possible?!), she sings a song she penned called “I Can’t Miss You.” Have you ever heard the sounds a goat makes when it has its head stuck in an electric fence? It sounded kinda like that.
Choice Quotation: “I honestly think I was blind when I was out there, because I was just in like a blank state of mind.” As opposed to the crippling intellect we’re used to from her.
Moment of High Comedy: She reveals that she feels bad for Josh’s girlfriend because she’s been cheated on in the past. My guess is it was with a girl who couldn’t talk.
4) Emily (previously #5)
Emily takes on the House Psychiatrist role this week when she tries to reason with Callie as to why she drunk-dialed her douche-y ex. But in a classic case of the blind leading the blind, she makes a whole mess out of her situation with Ty when she tells him how scared she is of getting close to anybody.
Choice Quotation: “Every girl in this world needs to realize that they don’t need some penis to stand next to them to be substantial!”
Moment of High Comedy: After Ty tells her he loves her, she says to the camera “this is not going to be a good night.” Then there’s a shot of a Metro Police car. Unfortunately, they didn’t arrest the whole cast for crimes against humanity.
5) Callie (previously #6)
When the girls go to a bar and Callie doesn’t get any (maybe she should be the one taking lessons from Andrew), she gets hammered, depressed, and the overwhelming urge to call her ex. When she does, the whole house (especially Emily) goes crazy on her, and she feels “ganged-up on.” What is this, middle school?
Choice Quotation: “I feel like everyone’s passing judgment on me!”
Moment of High Comedy: Her ass of an ex is named Cash.
6) Ashley (previously #2)
Most of Ashley’s action this week comes from her extreme, personal disapproval of Josh’s hook-up with a cougar in a minidress. When she confronts him about it and he says they never kissed (I guess he doesn’t really understand what the guys with the cameras are for), she gets personally offended. Shocker.
Choice Quotation: “Living in the moment needs to stop because you have a girlfriend!”
Moment of High Comedy: When she sees Josh and his woman-friend kissing at the piano, she yells repeatedly to the whole house that they’re making out. Again, middle school?
7) Andrew (previously #1)
Unfortunately for America, this week the producers took a break from ridiculing Andrew. There were other people to complain about not getting any action (or getting it from the wrong person), so he just faded into the background.
Choice Quotation: “I’m never gonna say it to her, but the fact is Emily needs a man like Ty.”
Moment of High Comedy: When Emily is drunkenly ranting about Callie calling her ex, Andrew sits next to her making weird peace signs with his fingers for no discernible reason. In his panda hat, of course.
8 ) Mike (previously #3)
Mike did nothing this week. There were a few dysfunctional couples to overshadow him and Ashley, so he went back to his corner and (hopefully) prepped himself for plenty of fun next week.
Choice Quotation: “I think Ashley is adorable. She’s like a real person, only smaller. She’s pocket-sized.”