1) Mike (previously #8 )
Mike deserves a trophy as the only roommate who got any this week, and for (presumably) tagging all the bases at that. After going to a gay club and getting lots of free drinks from other patrons, he meets a cute guy named Eric and takes him back to the house. There, the two do what Real Worlders do best.
Choice Quotation: “When I like a guy, I put him through the 3 tests: we talk politics, we talk sports, and I punch him in the arm. If they don’t whine about it, they pass”
Moment of High Comedy: Before they get down to the business, Eric folds Mike’s laundry.
2) Ashley (previously #6)
Ashley’s begins the episode as a stereotypical MTV drama queen when she begs Andrew, who’s making bizarre advances on her, to “open up” to her. But shortly thereafter, you have to feel sorry for her—when he shows his true colors as a pizza-box-wielding, panda-hat-wearing mental case, she quickly regrets having ever spoken to him.
Choice Quotation: “I was laughing out of uncomfortability.”
Moment of High Comedy: She and Andrew get into a drunken screaming match over whether guys or girls have a harder time finding mates in D.C.
3) Callie (previously #5)
Callie applies for a photography internship at the Washington Blade, an LGBT paper, and then stages a small freak-out the morning of her interview when she’s not ready for it. Even though she tells the interviewer that she doesn’t know anything about gays and takes more artistic than event-related photos, after a single assignment at a gay bar she’s given the position. I thought being on The Real World was supposed to hurt your job prospects?
Choice Quotation: “I’ve spent the past couple of years just going through the motions.”
Moment of High Comedy: Fueling stereotypes about Southerners and people who don’t live in cities, her attempt to get to the Blade’s headquarters beget lots of shots of her running around Metro stations looking confused.
4) Andrew (previously #7)
Andrew took to some bizarre methods in an attempt to get into Ashley’s pants this week. After an awkward encounter in the hot tub (I hope to God they disinfect that thing, I’m uncomfortable with it being in the same city as I am) when he comes on to her and gets shut down, he incites a drunken screaming match.
But things turn ugly when he later gets in a physical fight with her—in addition to the aforementioned pizza-box swinging, he pushes her. Not gonna fly, Andrew.
Choice Quotation: “Bitch are you outta yo damn mind? I’m just gonna go Wayne Brady on yo ass.”
Moment of High Comedy: He debuts two—yes, TWO—new animal hats. One appears to be some kind of raccoon, and the other a skunk. He refers to the skunk as his “serious hat.”
5) Ty (previously #2)
This week, Ty decides to give up his drunken proclamations of love in favor of a more charitable route. He tries to help mediate when Ashley’s flipping her lid over Andrew, but instead just winds up letting her hang on his arm and offering a few ineffective attempts at advice.
Choice Quotation: “It’s not my judgment of the situation, it’s my judgment of you. [Pause] And the situation.” I don’t think he knows which MTV reality show he’s on.
Moment of High Comedy: He tries his best to make his concerned face when he’s “consoling” Ashley, but just winds up looking confused.
6) Erika (previously #3)
Erika’s a good housemate this week. She helps out Callie with her resumé, accompanies her on her confusing voyage through the Metro, uses her to land a trip to the gay bar, and is generally inoffensive throughout the whole hour.
7) Josh and Emily (previously #1 and #4, respectively)
Josh must be the most boring person in real life. He had one episode where he did something, and aside from that he’s just been a lurker in the background. Emily did a similar amount of nothing this week, so it wouldn’t be fair to place one above the other. We can give Josh a break after last week’s performance, but c’mon, Erika, up your game!