This spot really shouldn’t go to Mike, but rather to Mike’s homosexuality. Between a visit from his family where he talks to them about his work on LGBT issues and a fight with his needy boyfriend from back home over whether their relationship is “open” or not, the only way MTV could’ve been less subtle is if it’d had someone stand in the corner of the screen holding up a big, rainbow “MIKE’S GAY” banner.
Choice Quotation: “If I were a dog my tail would be wagging right now.”
Moment of High Comedy: When he takes his younger brother out to a bar with the roommates, he has a DFMO with Callie. The encounter is quickly followed by confessional footage of virtually every other housemate commenting on how gay he is.
2) Josh (previously #8 )
After a lengthy reign at the dead bottom of this list, Josh stages a coup this week when he puts together a mediocre group of musicians, calls them “Wicked Liquid,” and crowns himself their lead singer. But after he wailed trite lyrics (a Shakespearean excerpt: “Come on, honey, just love me ri-ight/ Maybe we can go lay somewhere toni-ight”) into the microphone for a good chunk of the episode, I suddenly longed for the days I got to forget he existed.
Choice Quotation: “You take one look at me, and that’s about it. Like that’s all you need. That’s what got me into most of the bands back home, just the way I look.”
Moment of High Comedy: The contorted look of pain that he makes when he sings is an exact replica of the face the TV-viewers make when they hear him sing.
3) Erika (previously #5)
After showing off her own talent (or lack thereof) for the performing arts a few weeks ago, Erika just can’t allow another Real World-er to showcase their own musical mediocrity. She sneaks into Wicked Liquid’s practice when Josh leaves to take a phone call, and ruins the bandmates’ rare respite from their douchey frontman by belting out some tunes of her own
Choice Quotation: “His pitch to a musician is like nails on a chalkboard.” Oh, the irony.
Moment of High Comedy: She lets out an ear-splitting shriek when she’s at the bar and sees Mike kiss Callie. Or maybe she was trying to serenade them. It’s hard to tell the difference.
4) Callie (previously #7)
Callie makes out with a gay guy. Let’s just hope the crazies in her small hometown don’t get the wrong idea about what goes on with her in the Real World house. On second thought, they probably don’t even have TV there yet.
Choice Quotation: “I’m gonna hold onto my opinion until I hear [Josh’s band] truly perform, because I know in practice stage, you know, things are a little rough.”
Moment of High Comedy: She makes out with a guy who spends the rest of the episode talking about how he isn’t interested in women.
5) Emily (previously #1)
After top-spot success last episode, Emily fades a little into the background this week. She’s the only one home when Mike’s family first arrives, and tries to be on her best behavior for them. Which basically means she keeps quiet and wears that creepy vacant expression she always has when she’s not angry.
Choice Quotation: “If you’re teaching the singer how to sing, that’s a problem. God I can’t even focus. Oh god! He just hit a high note!”
Moment of High Comedy: When she’s in the confessional complaining about Josh’s lack of musical talent, the sound of the band practicing is audible in the background. When Josh hits a high note, she makes that same cringing face he does.
6) Ashley (previously #2)
There are only so many ways I can say that Ashley’s a pain. Unfortunately, there are infinitely more ways in which Ashley can continue to demonstrate just how big a pain she is. She continues to complain about her housemates and their habits this week, and I’m sure there’s plenty more footage of it that MTV decided to forgo showing us to make room for Mike discussing his sexuality.
Choice Quotation: “I don’t think she’s having fun, I don’t feel like she likes it here, and I don’t think she’s gonna get anything out of it unless she opens herself up.” Does she not remember what happened the last time she asked a housemate to open up?
7) Andrew (previously #4)
Andrew was so close to sharing the bottom spot with Ty this week, having apparently not done anything camera-worthy. But in the internet-only bonus footage, he says that if Emily hadn’t had a boyfriend during her time on the show he’d have “hit that.” Can someone please get this kid laid already?
8 ) Ty (previously #6)
Ty didn’t do anything this week. Which is just fine by me, since he’s been pretty boring and useless for the past few episodes. Let’s just hope he doesn’t try to form a band to get himself more airtime. I don’t think my ears can take any more singing Real World-ers.