The VFT Mailbag: Is he still perfect if he’s not packing?

[Editor’s Note: After whole weeks of anticipation, it’s time for the inaugural edition of Venus Fly Trap’s yet-to-be-named sex and relationship mailbag. If you have a question and you’re dying for some advice, don’t be bashful; the anonymous submission form is at the end of this post.]

What do you do if you across a situation with a man who is super cute, nice and just generally hot. Then you head back with him and start to go a little further when you realize his manhood is less than well endowed and thus you stop being interested. Do you just leave? Do you tell him why? Do you just proceed forward even though you are no longer into it?

— Big is Good

Whoa whoa whoa. Super cute, nice and just generally hot? And you and he actually go to Georgetown?

Listen up, BIG—unless you’re trying film an amateur porno over in Henle, get over yourself. Super cute, nice, generally hot, AND well endowed is a fantastic combo, but unless that mythical creature is perched outside of Healy Hall swinging his twig and berries, you might need to adjust those steep standards. Poor Prince Charming can’t grow that peen out like it’s a damn Chia pet.

Besides, would you rather have a mean, ugly guy with a Shaq-sized manhood? If you’re looking for an impersonal bang buddy, then by all means, leave this guy behind. But just because a man’s got it, doesn’t mean he knows how to use it. And who knows, maybe Prince Charming can wield that tiny sword like nobody’s business.

Next time you’re thinking size is the only thing that matters, just remember the story of David and Goliath. David used a tiny ball for a HUGE win.

I have my eye on a particular man in my class. I don’t want to be his friend, I don’t want to date him, I just want to jump his bones ASAP. What is the best way to go about this?

— Entrapment

Well, aren’t you a man hunter after my own cold, horny heart?

Despite some men’s constant complaints that girls aren’t forward enough, it’d be a bit much to just prance up to him with a bottle of lube and an R. Kelly mixtape. Instead, you have to do this the old-fashioned, college way—friend that kid on Facebook. It he isn’t locked down or “interested in men,” then find a reason to exchange numbers with him. Maybe you need to borrow a book. Maybe you go all Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls and pretend to need help studying. WHATEVER.

After a few more weeks of light conversation and eye sex—or maybe even a meal or two at Leos—see where an ambiguous “What are you up to?” late-night text leads you. I’m not saying this plan is fool proof, but that’s the beauty of lusting after a classmate. If it all goes south, you’ll never have to stare at his sexy mug after the semester ends.

Help!!

I’m a junior and my penis doesn’t see enough action. I shower and don’t smell or anything, so what can I do to get some?

Help me Venus Flytrap. I’ve spent enough time with my right hand!

—HJ

You need to have a word with Ms. Entrapment above, HJ. (And if you’re confident in the size of your Big Lebowski, BIG is probably DTF.)

It amazes me how much trouble guys have picking up on the “do me” vibes that some girls send out. But, I can’t advise you much on that front; just try to spot those eager beavers a little better.

I will let you in on a little secret, though, for the sake of your tired hand. Which of your guy friends has the most sex? The ones looking for a series of one night stands or the guys who inconspicuously get laid ten times a week by their girlfriends?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Keep an open mind toward having a special lady, and you’ll may finally have a girl who’s more, ahem, open to you.

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18 Comments on “The VFT Mailbag: Is he still perfect if he’s not packing?

  1. One wonders why someone who has supposedly mastered the art of love spends so much time reading about other people’s sex lives on the internet.

  2. These all read like VFT is just name-dropping Georgetown campus locations to sound relevant to Georgetown. I don’t get why this is affiliated with Vox. Until today, I sort of thought Vox was becoming legitimate. I guess the Hoya holds onto the “most legitimate” title for a while longer, even if only by default.

  3. Has VFT seen Shaq’s penis, or is VFT just promoting a tired racist stereotype?

  4. @Alex It sounded hyperbolic to me – that the penis is as large as Shaq, not necessarily that Shaq has a large penis.

  5. It doesn’t sound racist as much as it sounds 7-foot-2, 350 pound-ist.

  6. It appears that Alex was the first to assume the stereotype…

  7. Eileen…please.

    @Alternately: penis size is not always proportional to body size. Look it up.

  8. i think at shacks size, your pancreas is the size of a mango… im pretty willing to bet that shaq is packing.

  9. Start a separate blog for this nonsense and keep VP for the breaking news.

  10. seriously jesus christ. when you only have so much room you’ve got to use it wisely.

  11. i heard that shaquille o’neal’s penis looks like a loaf of bread.

    [Edited for inappropriate link.]

  12. I heard its more like a salami, vury hard and long, not stereotyping here just a statement of fact.

    [Edited for inappropriate content.]

  13. After hooking up with [edited] all I can say is I don’t know about shaq but [edited] penis is more like a piece of shriveled beef jerkey…

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