Voice special investigations unit obtains early draft of Police Chief job description

Last week, Vox reported on the University’s search for a new Police Chief to manage the Department of Public Safety. The Voice’s special investigations unit, Page 13, has obtained a preliminary draft of the job posting. Our University source, who wishes to remain anonymous, thought this draft description may better represent the position to any potential applicants. Click here for the final, published draft. What follows is the unedited first draft of the University’s description of the Police Chief position.

The Department of Public Safety (DPS) is responsible for maintaining a year-round, safe environment at the front gates, in Copley Formal and around the Alumni Lounge. Its staff consists of the Police Chief, Associate and Assistant Directors, Patrol Captain, Sergeants, and recently-hired, former Rent-a-Cops who were not informed their positions lack firearms.

DPS officers are commissioned “special” police officers, vested through the District of Columbia Metropolitan Police Department, with full powers of intimidation on campus property. DPS works closely with the Metropolitan Police Department and District of Columbia Fire Department, much to their chagrin.

The Police Chief reports directly to the Vice President for University Safety, who coincidentally is being removed from the Police Chief position (good luck with that!). The Office of University Safety reports to the Senior Vice President and oversees planning and response efforts for emergency situations.

[At this point in the draft copy Page 13 obtained, handwritten comments from the pen of President DeGioia appear. We have reproduced them here to the best of our ability.] Despite being in the work of “public safety”, we need a police chief who isn’t afraid of giving orders to pepper spray the hell out of protesters. Nothing annoys us more than protesters voicing their “opinion” in Red Square. First thing that happens is a couple of people gather…[unintelligible]….and the hippies control the school! [Scrawl continues for several more lines, but lacking a DeGioia stone, we are sadly unable to decipher its meaning.]


Responsibilities

  • Fulfill your lifelong dream: to bust up college parties
  • Protect our campus’ toilets from evildoers
  • Succeed in arming DPS officers with halberds and M-16s
  • Launch an in-depth investigation to ferret out any neighborhood sympathizers among the student body and silence them
  • Restaff President DeGioia’s woefully depleted bodyguard of Amazons
  • Whilst raiding Towne Liquor, adopt one of the kids you bust. Dub him “McLovin” and ride around with him all night
  • Bring a donut shop to Georgetown. Our extensive research suggests that the lack of a donut shop in the neighborhood is directly responsible for a 300% increase in crime due to cops not being able to function

Qualifications

  • A Bachelor’s degree in kicking ass required, Master’s degree in taking names preferred
  • Must be tall enough to intimidate deviant members of the student body but short enough to facilitate the occasional presidential piggy-back ride
  • Training at the George Bush Center for Intelligence mandatory
  • All last names except van Slyke are acceptable, last name of Gordon is preferred but only if you let Todd Olson dress up as Batman
  • Be something like that Paul Blart fellow, he seems like he knows what he’s doing
  • At least 10 years of security work, Six Flags background acceptable
  • Previous experience accosting library patrons
  • Mustachioed

Note: this is a draft copy. Do not reproduce, distribute, or disseminate. Above all, do not divulge its existence to Page 13.

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