Comments of the Week: In the protection of underage fruit products

Finals week has taken a toll on Vox lately, but Comments of the Week will be running regularly. This past week, we saw the disappearance of the Healy clock hands and the selection of commencement speakers.

Last Monday, Georgetown woke up to a handless Healy clock face, continuing a longstanding prank. Fortunately, according to Benjamin Gates, the heist was only part of a greater storyline:

No current students were involved in the clock hand theft, only a well-meaning alumnus on the hunt for history’s greatest lost treasures. But what do the clock hands have to do with history’s greatest lost treasures?

It all started when a rival treasurehunter accused my great uncle Theodore Gates of that my great uncle Theodore Gates sunk the battleship Maine and started the Spanish-American War. I had to defend my family and find the truth, which somehow led me on a chase for the lost platinum hoard of the Committee of 300. One clue led to another until I discovered that the latitude and longitude coordinates were sealed into the Healy tower clock hands after they survived the British burning of Washington in the War of 1812 and were eventually given to Georgetown as a gift for harboring America’s founding documents during that troubling time. The clock hands form a sort of puzzle that only a master historian/treasure hunter/puzzle enthusiast/Georgetown alumnus/somehow both dashing and approachable man such as myself could figure out.

Maybe Mr. Gates will use Native American gold / Masonic treasure to pay for the repairs.

Late Tuesday night, Vox was faced with the mystery of who vandalized Dahlgren Quad. Secret Societies and H*ya speculated:

Secret Societies: An anonymous email was sent to specific upperclassmen tonight telling them to be in Dahlgren Quad tonight around this time. Sounds like the work of one of Georgetown’s ridiculously lame secret societies

H*ya: Godwin’s law, amended: As a Vox comment thread grows longer, the probability of someone blaming a random event on the Stewards approaches 1. But rarely does an actual Steward appear to deny responsibility … SUSPICIOUS.

After Volleyball’s apology to the campus community, d00$h was worried about something else.

i’m still waiting to hear what happened to the banana. It didn’t even look ripe yet. Just like a catholic school to cover up abuse of underage fruit.

After the three clock-hand thieves offered safe return of the hands in exchange for $0.02 and our mascot-to-be, J.J., CO Hoya (speaking for the entire campus community) had this to say.

They’ll have JJ when they pry him from our cold dead hands

After Georgetown’s announcement that Kathleen Sebelius would speak at the GPPI graduation ceremony, a religion-fueled comment war broke out on Vox. Trolling at its height:

As an actual student at Georgetown (not an anonymous internet troll who has no connection to this school) that I’m gay, an atheist and give a portion of my paycheck every month directly to Planned Parenthood.

Reading all these posts makes me happy that my school took my side on this issue and not yours.

Finally, our Vox-y girl Editor posted a poll yesterday about the commencement speakers. Typical objected to one of the choices.

I don’t see an option for “I really don’t care about the other speakers, but I know mine sucks.” Also “Rat’s poop”? Are we five?

Yes, typical. Vox‘s humor over the next seven months will be decidedly low-brow. Replied Vanya:

@typical, you didn’t know the Vox editor was five years old?

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