Ask Emlyn in the Voice‘s new advice column “You’ve Got Issues”
Are you constantly plagued by life’s many questions? Of course you are, your life is a mess. But the good news for you is that Emlyn knows all. Email questions to ecrenshaw@georgetownvoice.
Crenshaw’s advice column “You’ve Got Issues” debuted last April. Here’s a sneak peak into the wisdom of Emlyn.
Yo yo yo, so I got this girl I’ve been digging. She’s pretty perfect, but there is one problem: she slaps and hits me a lot. In a joking and endearing way of course, and it never hurts all that much, but still. I must maintain my dignity as a man. How can I stop it from happening? How am I supposed to react?
-Love Just Leaves You Bruised
Ah yes. Affectionate hitters can be quite the problem, but it’s relatively easy to fix. Deception is clearly the answer here. Next time she slaps you in a playful way, pretend that it really hurts—squeeze out some tears, claw at your face and your hair, and scream things like “THIS ISN’T GUANTANAMO BAY YOU ANIMAL”—whatever will sell the show. If you feel like you’re going overboard, you’re doing it right. Show up the next day with bandages on your face, complain about severe headaches, and mention that treatment for this sort of injury would cost $6,000. Guilt conquers all, my friend, and when she believes that you’re actually in pain then she’ll probably change her ways. At least for a little while.
Let me know if you need anything else.