Just the Tip: Why Ask Jeeves when you can ask Emlyn?

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Yo E,

Still trying to figure this Twitter thing out. What is retweeting people?! What does it mean when someone DMs me?!? I am not sure so i have just been favoriting a lot of stuff. Confused.

Blessings,
Pope Benny

Hey Pope Benedict XVI (@Pontifex),

Congrats on getting a verified account, and welcome to the wonderful world of Twitter you krazy kat! I’m looking at your current page right now, and you’ve definitely got a long way to go—although I do like the sassy yellow background, I’d recommend adding “#TEAMFOLLOWBACK” to your bio. It’s a Twitter thing. Also, your page says you haven’t favorited a single thing yet, so I have no idea what you’ve been doing.

I notice that you’re tweeting a lot of questions, meaning you may be confusing Twitter with Ask Jeeves. Don’t worry, it’s an easy mistake to make because they’re both websites on which you type things. You’re welcome to tweet questions, but unlike on Ask Jeeves it won’t guarantee you any reliable responses. That’s why, when you asked Twitter how to better celebrate the Year of Faith, you got the unPope-ly answer “hookers and blow.” Maybe just stick to tweeting every time you go to Chipotle or are waiting on someone to text you back about something important.

Retweeting means sending a particular tweet to all of your followers, almost as if you tweeted it yourself. But it’s a little different, because people use it as a form of public shaming—and that’s why you should retweet every joke that you find to be in bad taste. Is a tweeted joke too sexually explicit? Retweet it so that everyone can see and lament! Did a comedian say something about Al Roker pooping? Condemn him by retweeting and showing your support for Al! You get the idea. It’s all about calling out those who say and tweet unseemly things. As for DMs (Direct Messages), just click on any links sent to you and message all of your followers winky faces or something. It’s Twitter etiquette. If you have any other questions, use Ask Jeeves or just set it as your AIM away message, and someone should answer eventually. Happy tweeting, and stay awesome.

Hey Emlyn,

So since the beginning of the year I’ve been getting a magazine subscription to my mailbox. Except I didn’t order it. And it’s Cosmopolitan (I’m a guy). As entertaining as I find articles titled “So you have vaginal odor…”, I would really like to end this subscription. I don’t check my mail often, so when I pull out a stack of four Cosmos and have to ride the full, silent, and incredibly slow elevator to the top floor of Darnall, I get some pretty weird looks. I also tried to find the person whose name is on the subscription on Facebook, but I was unsuccessful. I guess you could say I have a bit of an “issue.” Anyways, how do I stop this subscription?

Thanks,
Crazy for Cosmo

Hi Cosmo,

Ask Jeeves “How do I cancel a Cosmo subscription?” Click on the first result and go to town… you can log in by using the person’s name and mailing address, and from there you can stop the flood of Cosmos. Easy as pie, but before you do anything too drastic, consider the wise words of the unsurpassable Counting Crows:

Don’t it always seem to go / that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone

Once you send Cosmo away, it ain’t coming back. Are you sure that you don’t want to read “What Your Man’s Sheets Say About Him”? What if you need to know, what then? Think about these things and proceed with caution, because I don’t want you to do anything that you’ll later regret.

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