Singles’ Awareness Day: What to do if no one loves you on Valentine’s Day

Sick of watching Ryan Gosling movies by yourself on Valentine’s Day? Probably not. But here a few other things you can do besides watching The Notebook and gorging on chocolate.

Eat your feelings: I’m sure you’ve heard that chocolate can give you the feeling of being in love. So maybe, just maybe, if you eat enough chocolate, you’ll feel like you’re actually in love (ignore the fact that you do not have a significant other to love). Also, if you hold off this celebration until Feb. 15, you will probably be able to get some discounts.

Make fun of Valentine’s Day: Instead of stressing about Feb. 14, make a joke out of it. Go down to the sex shop on Wisconsin and go crazy. Buy a friend some fuzzy handcuffs. Bake a penis-shaped cake with one of their cake pans. Cook up some boob-shaped pasta. You know, have some good, wholesome fun.

Cook food: Have an “I hate Valentine’s Day” dinner with your friends. Stay home and cook (unless, of course, you want to be surrounded by couples out to dinner). Get a few bottles of wine if you really want to go all out. You could even finish off all of that penis cake and boob pasta you just cooked.

Violent movie marathon: Express your true feelings about Valentine’s day by watching some Quentin Tarantino movies. Nothing like blood-splattered walls (and blood-splattered everything else for that matter) to complement the chocolate hearts and cupids everywhere.

Rub a few off: Admit it. You masturbate or have masturbated (especially if you’re reading this post). If you haven’t, just give up. “Mortal sin” be damned. Even more, it’s good for you. If you somehow haven’t, the internet can teach you how—it’s not hard. Your roommates will all be out on dates. Remove distractions and go for it.

Celebrate something else: Instead of focusing all your hatred on Valentine’s Day, just celebrate something else … like my birthday (but actually, feel free to buy me Wisey’s cookies or something). You can also celebrate Jerry Garcia marrying his third wife in 1994, the unveiling of a new statue of Kim Jong-Il in 2012, or Richard Nixon installing a secret taping system in the White House in 1971. Or you can celebrate the real reason for the holiday: the martyrdom of Saint Valentine … Nah.

Editor’s Note: Men of Georgetown take note—Isabel Echarte is SINGLE. Hit her up IMMEDIATELY.

Gif: Tumblr

One Comment on “Singles’ Awareness Day: What to do if no one loves you on Valentine’s Day

  1. I probably choke the bishop between 5-6 times…in the morning. Then I have lunch (I shake the carrot before and after, obviously). Then I go to the chocolate store and jerk it in the bathroom. Then I go to my favorite restaurant (Eat and Joy) for dinner and go for it in their bathroom. Then I come home and jerk it to reruns of The O.C. Then I go to sleep.

    Wait, we’re talking about Valentine’s Day? You don’t want to know about that batin’ schedule. Just thinking of it makes me want to

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