Just the Tip: Group dates and milkshakes

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Hi Emlyn,

I have a crush on this guy, but he has a girlfriend … I don’t want to like him, but he’s always nice to me, super flirty, and asking to hang out. Is he teasing? What do I do?

Thanks,
Her Boyfriend’s Friend

Hi Friend,

Have you ever heard of the “group date”? It’s something that parenting magazines think are a thing, but they are not really a thing. Your parents have been informed that, on a group date, rosy-cheeked youngsters (an assortment of girls and boys, no one already paired up or anything) gather at the bowling alley and bat their eyes at each other, hoping to share a milkshake at the local diner with whoever’s caught their eye. I know that sounds dumb, but I swear that book clubs all over America are anxiously jabbering over wine about whether their Suzy or Tommy has any group dates, because that’s how kids are doing it these days. The benefit of group dates is that all of your friends are there, so you can whisper by the shoe rental counter about how cute Tommy’s swoopy hair as the action is unfolding.

That is precisely why, even though group dates are not really a thing, I advise you to organize one anyway. It doesn’t have to be at a bowling alley … you can have a pregame, all go out to dinner, whatever. You just need to be able to have your friends there, so they can help figure out what this kid’s deal is. Maybe he’s just super sweet to everyone and doesn’t really like you in the share-a-milkshake kind of way. Or maybe he really wants dat cake. Your friends can help you decide.

If he’s evidently not into you, I say try to drop your crush so as not to be a home wrecker before the time you turn 25. Busy yourself with DFMOs and/or lots of naps. If your friends agree that he is, in fact, super into you, be very wary. If he and his girlfriend are definitely headed towards a break up, give it some buffer time before you snatch him up again. It’s the proper thing to do. If he and his girlfriend are happily in a committed relationship and he’s hitting on you anyway, gross. He’s not the kind of boyfriend you deserve, so go find someone else to share a milkshake with.

See the next question to Emlyn and submit your very own after the jump!

Dear Emlyn,

I know this was probably a mistake but for the past few weeks I’ve been hooking up with one of my best friends. What’s worse, last week she said that she had a crush on me. I don’t know exactly how I feel about her, but I like hooking up with her and we’re already really good friends. Is that enough to base a relationship off of?

Kthnx,
Confounded

YIKES CONFOUNDED,

Look, you can be friends with this girl and like her a lot, and you can enjoy hooking up with her because she has boobs or a Care Bear tattoo or whatever it is that you’re into. But it sounds like you’re missing a crucial romantic component. If you sincerely are just “really good friends,” it’s not going to work for a variety of reasons. Don’t get me wrong, lots of people are close friends with their significant other, but the thing that makes it “significant” is that it’s a little bit deeper than friendship, or there’s another layer on top of that or something. Commitment. Love. Other stuff.

Don’t EVER get into a relationship just because it seems like you “might as well.” It’s the absolute worst. Just because you hang out a lot and have hooked up a few times does not mean this relationship has to happen. Yeah, it might be awful to tell this girl that you’re really not into it, and you might lose that friendship for a while. But making her think that you feel some special way about her when you don’t is arguably worse. Bottom line, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone if you say, “What’s worse, last week she said that she had a crush on me” about said person. This should be welcome news, you know buddy? Godspeed.

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One Comment on “Just the Tip: Group dates and milkshakes

  1. Her boyfriends friend.

    Another approach might be to determine:
    a) the percentage of boys brought to the yard by your milkshake.
    b) whether they determine that her’s is, in fact, better than yours.

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