Just the Tip: Press * for service and dance floor missteps

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Submit your questions and deepest, darkest secrets to Caitriona at the bottom of the form.

Hey Caitriona,

I need some phone sex tips. My boyfriend and I are long distance, and having sexy time over the phone gets really monotonous after a few calls. Any advice on to spice it up?

Long Distance Sucks

Well before you do anything I suggest you watch “Sweet Emotion” by Aerosmith. I honestly don’t know how anyone can have phone sex without referencing this song. It’s textbook stuff.

Now that we’ve established that, it’s important that you know with a little effort phone sex can be almost as spicy as the real thing. Fantasy is your best bet at steaming up those phone lines. Even when you’re making whoopee in person, it can get a little monotonous when your partner pulls out all the stops over and over again. It’s enough to put anyone to sleep. You could go for a classic two-person fantasy, or you could get naughty and get the NSA agent listening to your call in on the action.

Even though fantasy is your best bet, it’s not a sure-fire success. You both need to sell your performance. It’s easy to get off from a phone sex line because it’s easy to believe the lies of a beautiful (or maybe not so beautiful) stranger, however you know that your boyfriend still cuts the crusts off his PB&J and has a debilitating fear of outie bellybuttons. For optimal results, try to forget your boyfriend is a total goon and believe the lies he tells you.

Don’t get stuck on hold,

Caitriona

Dear Caitriona,

I’m really into this girl and I think she likes me. But every time we go out to a party together and there’s a dance floor I can never overcome my fear of dancing. I look like a fool when I dance and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m too tall and awkward looking to move. What do I do to finally get this DFMO going?

Help me shake it,

Bony Limbs

Dear Bony Limbs,

You know, dancing isn’t that hard. Especially when you’re crammed into a disgusting Henle, I doubt your lady friend will expect you to tap your inner Patrick Swayze.

The key is confidence. If you really are hopeless, just develop one signature move and rock it all night. Be aggressive. Demand that people copy your signature move, and if they don’t, make them take shots. Before you know it you’ll have the most swag at the party.

Your confidence, however, will mean nothing unless you engage her. Don’t dance as two entities, become one and enter into…the dancing cosmos together. If this girl already likes you, the best thing that you can do is show her your willing to step out of your comfort zone for her and boogie.

Bust a move,

Caitriona

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