Just the Tip: Elicit content and hopes of conquest

“Dear Caitriona,”

“I’m pretty good at realizing who I’m compatible with. I have this friend who I share everything with and I realized that I really like him. I really, really like him. We would be great together. Problem is, he dates one of my other friends. They’re happy and cute together, but she doesn’t treat him quite perfect. But, I don’t think he can really see this yet. What should I do? I want to be with him but I don’t want to sabotage anything that makes him happy!”

“Forever Alone”

Hey Forever Alone,

Oh my god. Oh my god. Stop. Just stop. Your situation is literally the plot of a Taylor Swift song and trust me it won’t have a happy ending. If this friend means anything to you, back off. Even if the relationship does ultimately peter out (or blow up) it’s a special kind of she-witch who swoops in and snaps up her friend’s ex-boyfriend. Perhaps once each of them has time to heal and you’ve been honest with your friend about your feelings, you could go for it maybe. But trust me, a date with ten dream guys just doesn’t live up to a good friend .

Check yourself before you wreck yourself,

Caitríona

“Caitriona,”

“I desperately need some good advice about how to flirt. I know a lot of it comes naturally when you like someone, but I’m pretty sure my idea of flirting comes across like looking straight at a baboon’s ass.”

“Please help me!”

“Clueless”

The key to flirting is to make yourself available, but not too available. For example, when you lock eyes with a hottie across from you on Lau 2, make sultry eye contact and subtly close the Buzzfeed quiz on you laptop entitled “How single are you?.” Before you swoop in, strike up a loud conversation with a friend to show how oh-so-interesting before you are. If you execute this effectively, your target may even take the initiative and  come up to you. POW. Target engaged. I call this the black widow approach.

Ensnaring a potential mate was the easy part though, because after you actually get up the courage to talk to your target, you then face the horrifying process of breaking the ice. If the prospect of small talk numbs your mind as much as it does mine, don’t despair! When you meet someone new you can literally say anything about yourself with no fear that your target will call you on your crap. I mean, you go to Georgetown for god’s sake. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter and the prince of Jordan have gone here, I’m sure you could get away with a little white lie about how you are fluent in conversational Swahili. (Just don’t get too crazy and claim to own City Bank or something.)

I know lying is bad and moral objectivity and whatever, but, hey, when it come to love conquest’s the name of the game and you best be ready to conquer.

Ride forth to victory,

Caitríona

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