What would Tyrion Lannister say: This week’s movie releases
Vox previews this weekend’s movie premieres from the crafty perspective of Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones‘ always clever, sassy, and drunken character.
Wow. Kevin Costner sure looks old in this one as the fictional Sonny Weaver Jr., the general manager of the Cleveland Browns football team. With the big football draft day coming up and the team on a 13-year losing streak, Weaver decides enough is enough and makes negotiation moves to acquire the number one draft pick. The movie looks like it might be exciting for sports fans, and has some snappy lines from Jennifer Garner, but director Ivan Reitman seems to have forgotten one thing: the Browns suck forever, making this movie’s premise of them actually succeeding absurd.
Tyrion Lannister’s take: “Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.”
A horror movie about a haunted mirror? How original. I’m sure there are about 400 of those seeing yourself move in the mirror scares in this one, too. Oh, and the main characters are a brother and sister whose parents died tragically due to unclear circumstances surrounding the mirror? That’s clever too. This movie might have all the scares viewers need, but the mirror monster thing could use a fresh take.
Tyrion Lannister’s take: “Those are brave men. Let’s go kill them.”
Tired of their life in the city, the blue macaws Blu and Jewel take their three kids into the Amazon to reconnect to their natural roots and… I think that’s the entire plot, at least what’s in the trailer. They find Jewel’s father and there’s a brief shot of some mean looking bird bad guy who might be this series’ villain, but he just laughs. Does this movie have any conflict worth a couple hours and $15? Who cares? It’s a kids movie and the animation is colorful.
Tyrion Lannister’s take: “Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what’s on the other side?”