Just the Tip: Save your lungs, save your wallet

Dear Connor,

I have been smoking hookah for what seems like an eternity at Zenobia’s. Their lemon mint Al-Fakher is the most soothing form of esophageal respite. Should I stop smoking or somehow smoke more?

Thanks,

Zenobia’s Dirty Couch

Hey Zenobia’s Dirty Couch,

If you’re trying to get soothed, there are plenty of other options out there for you that don’t involve this. There are also many ways to get soothed that don’t involve this or this, but none of that is really relevant here. My advice to you is very simple: stop going, not only because it’s bad for you to overindulge, but also because Zenobia is super hydrofrackin’ expensive. If you want to smoke hookah, just buy your own hookah and shisha and save! It’s not so difficult to get hookahs at affordable prices and with high quality shisha nowadays, so there’s really no excuse to be blowing all your money on Zenobia. Use your head.

Use your head,
Connor

P.S. If you want their Lemon Mint Al-Fakher, ordering it yourself is just one click away. Al-Fakhar is a brand.

Dear Connor,

This submission is part of multiple attempts to avoid writing an essay. That being said, do you have any tips on avoiding constant procrastination? Also, did you know Hello Kitty is not really a cat?
Sincerely,
Would Rather Be Watching Netflix

Hey Would Rather Be Watching Netflix,

First of all, yes. I did know that Hello Kitty is not really a cat. I heard about it on CNN once. Anyway, the first thing that you should do to stop procrastinating is to put away that damn computer that you’re always carrying around and taking out when I’m trying to have a conversation with you. At least turn the wi-fi off, meet me halfway on this one. If you don’t physically have the necessary equipment to access Facebook or Twitter or astral projection forums or whatever your sick mind likes to wander to, you’ll stick to your work. The next thing that you should do is to cancel your Netflix account; if you don’t have it, then there’s a slight chance that you wouldn’t rather be doing it. Finally, it could be a good idea to have someone with you at all times that is willing to torture you if you don’t keep working. If you try taking a nap while you should be reading, maybe they could take a toenail off. If you start texting your friends, they could water board you. The possibilities are endless. Anyway, procrastination is a chronic issue that’s super difficult to overcome, but I really do think you’ve got it in you to beat it. Godspeed!

Gentiana setigera,
Connor

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