Just the Tip: Run faster, throw farther, think harder

Dear Connor,

My team is getting absolutely cleaned up in flag football games. We aren’t fast, tall, smart, or particularly good at throwing and catching a football. I’d like to think we have a lot of heart, but we probably don’t even have that. Got any tips for us to improve? It would be really great if one of your tips is your 6′ 5” friend who hasn’t already joined a team.

Sincerely,
Cheeky Scrublord

Hey Cheeky Scrublord,

Unfortunately, my 6’5” friend who hasn’t already joined a team is paralyzed from the neck down, as his spine was severed following a monster truck battle gone wrong. He was in an argument with a 6’6” man over which of them likes sports more and things got out of hand. That being said, he cannot help you, but I can.

You’ve pinpointed your problem, that your team is not fast, tall, smart, or good at throwing and catching a football, so just go one step at a time. For starters, your team may not be fast, but cheetahs are; replacing your legs with those of a cheetah couldn’t be easier nowadays, as modern technology (lasers mostly) has made the surgery affordable and painless. Not tall? Take a card from the Kayan people‘s deck and elongate your neck with brass rings. It would make your neck a bit flimsier, but you’ll appear terrifyingly large to your opponents. Not smart? Try this. Not good at throwing and catching a football? Now that, my friend, can be remedied with some good ol practicin’. There you go, now scram!

Delta Brooks,
Connor

Dear Connor,

I have this friend (1) who likes my friend (2) who I am sleeping with when friend 1 isn’t around. Should I invite them to our party? Or is this the kind of thing I shouldn’t bother them about?

Thanks,

Best Friend

Hi Best Friend,

Uhhhhhhhh hm… if you really respected your friend you probably wouldn’t be doing that. Make a choice; you can’t have it both ways! One way or another, you should talk to your friend about it. Put yourself in their shoes—if your friend trusted you enough to tell you that he/she had feelings for the person that you’re sleeping with, they probably will feel as though you betrayed them. One of my biggest regrets is doing something similar to a good friend of mine in high school and I’ll tell ya what you will feel guilty! So cut the shit!

Warmly,
Connor

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