Just the Tip: Go to Rangila, see Parth’s gyrating hips

Dear Connor,
Should I go to Rangila? Is it really that good?
Spanks,
Slightly Bigoted

Dear Slightly Bigoted,

Take that bigotry and throw it in the dumpster, there’s no room for that at a prestigious university like Georgetown. Anyway, you should go to Rangila because my roommate Parth is going to be there. Parth is the best dancer I know. He moves like wildfire in a tornado. In fact, Parth greets me every morning at dawn by gyrating in front of my window. A master of movement, Parth rapidly blocks and exposes the rising sun to my tired eyes with hip thrusts, creating a quick flickering of light that lulls me into a hypnotic state. He always uses this power for good, as he spends his mornings teaching me the mysteries of dance, love, and life. When he’s done instructing, Parth allows my consciousness to flood back to me, and I prepare for the day ahead with new appreciation for the world around me.

So yeah, check out Rangila, it’ll be cool.

Take pride in what you do,
Connor

Dear Connor,

I have a really big zit on my forehead and I think it’s hindering my quality of life. What should I do?

Sincerely yours,
Juliana Mussolini Wishne

Hey Juliana Mussolini Wishne,

That sucks about the zit, I used to have those too before my skin became eternally perfect. Anyway, if it’s a quality of life issue that you’re having, then the best advice I can give you is to move to Australia. According to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development’s Better Life Index, Australia has the highest quality of life out of any country in the world, so your zit problems would likely melt away. Imagine it’s a beautiful, sunny day and you’re strolling through Sydney’s beautiful National Botanical Gardens… that zit’s not bothering you so much anymore, now is it? In fact, nothing’s bothering you anymore, right? That’s the power of Australia, that’s the power of an excellent quality of life. Sure, you’ve got to deal with a dust storm every once in a while, but does that outweigh the fact that Uluru is always just a hop away? Not when you have a quality of life that rivals the gods it doesn’t!

Dreamin’,
Connor

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