Vox’s Single of the Week: Kieran Mclean
As a continuation of Vox‘s Single of the Week, we sat down with freshman Kieran Mclean to interview him about love, life, and the trials and tribulations of freshman year.
Name: Kieran Mclean
Origin: “A small town on the Delaware River named Yardley, Pennsylvania. 98.7 percent white; commonly referred to as ‘America’s Least Diverse Town.'”
Vox: So, were you excited to be chosen as Vox’s Single of the Week?
Kieran: Does Chris Christie rule New Jersey with an iron fist?
Vox: Touché. What are you involved in at Georgetown?
Kieran: Well, I got rejected from The Heckler so take that, Joe Luther.
Vox: Any favorite classes?
Kieran: I’m a potential Art History major, so look out ladies! Super-employable. I’m also an English major, so I’m real sensitive and shit. My New Year’s resolution was to talk more about my feelings and listen to yours, too.
Vox: And how’s that going for you in the dating world?
Kieran: People here don’t really want to talk about their feelings. All these women want me exclusively for my body and I keep on trying to tell them, “Ladies, there’s a beating heart beneath this sculpted chest. There’s a working brain behind these piercing eyes.”
Vox: Of course, of course. So what’s your idea of a perfect date?
Kieran: My idea of a perfect date is when you think I’m super sexy. We go out; you pay for dinner; you like to listen to me talk; I’m super sensitive about my feelings and you don’t mind if I cry before or after sex.
Vox: Possible during?
Kieran: Possibly during.
Vox: What is your ideal date location?
Kieran: Probably Sierra Leone, or maybe a nastier part of Detroit. I find nothing sexier than an imminent awareness of our own mortalities.
Vox: What is the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Kieran: It started on Tinder, as all bad things start with Tinder. So it’s my senior year of high school and I’m just swiping right, swiping right, swiping right; and lo and behold, some young lady swipes right upon on me – and I doth declare, quite an attractive young lady. So as gentleman do, I’m like, “Yo, wanna meet in 20 minutes?” And she’s all like, “Yeah.” And I was like, “Wanna get ice cream first?” And she was like, “Sure.”
Vox: So you got ice cream with your Tinder date?
Kieran: Yeah. I asked her, “How are you liking high school?” and she was like, “Hate it.”
Vox: Was she in your grade?
Kieran: No, she was a year younger.
Vox: How do you feel about younger women?
Kieran: Best avoid it. That’s what the lawyers told me to say, pre-interview. So yeah, by the end of the date, we’re just sitting there in silence and she’s like, “I should move my car, my dog’s in it.” And I find out she’s left her dog in the car on a 90-degree day for 40 minutes without air-conditioning.
Vox: Did you follow through with it?
Kieran: No, I walked her to the car and saw the dog huddled under a seat trying to hide from the sun. And I was like, “You’re getting that dog out and I’m gonna have to go. Goodbye, see ya never.”
Vox: Do you believe in soul mates?
Kieran: I feel like love is finding our souls counterpoint in another, to quote Wedding Crashers.
Vox: What about PDA?
Kieran: It’s sort of like Pope Francis said: who am I to judge? But at the same token, can you stop trying to fit your tongue down someone’s uvula? This is like the children’s section of the public library. Please don’t.
Vox: Are you looking for long-term commitment or a short-term fling?
Kieran: After my days of physical intimacy for drug money, I found myself craving a much more emotional connection than a quick parking lot meet-up.
Vox: What is your favorite book?
Kieran: “Jesus’s Son,” by Denis Johnson. It’s a whole lot of short stories from the perspective of a born-again Christian who was a former heroin addict. He’s able to creatively reinvent what a story is, from the kernel. In his stories about heroin addiction, he takes what is traditionally a sad, mopey topic, and turns it into an exercise on magical realism. It almost makes you want to do drugs.
Vox: What would be the best way for someone to ask you out on a date?
Kieran: Probably not like in Love, Actually with the placards. In person would be good.
Vox: That narrows it down.
Kieran: It’s way less ambiguous than over text. Texting is how I end up offending most people. I’ll say something without tone and they’ll be like, “Wow, Kieran. That’s really racist.”
Vox: Did you ever bring someone home to meet your parents?
Kieran: My high school girlfriend.
Vox: Did it go terribly?
Kieran: No, it went fine. She was super charming. My sister liked her quite a lot.
Vox: Do you still talk?
Kieran: From time to time, yeah. We actually did not have much in common, at all. She was super kind and warmhearted and very sensitive to cruelty slash cynicism.
Vox: Which did not bode well with you?
Kieran: No, most of my humor derived from cynicism and existential depression, so I really don’t know how we ever dated for six months.
Vox: What grabs your attention?
Kieran: Confidence as displayed through physical appearance, like different modes of dress, different modes of hairstyle.
Vox: Would you say that’s more important than inner confidence?
Kieran: Outward confidence as expressed through an inward, very secure sense of self. I like people who know who they are or at least are very confident in the process of getting there.
Vox: What is your spirit animal?
Kieran: A meerkat, because they’re the animals who would wear the cool sweaters. They’re also long and skinny like me.
Vox: Any plans for the future you’d like to mention?
Kieran: After putting on a wig to attend Wellesley College and get a degree in farm-to-table food production, my future will be thrown open. I might become a writer; an astronaut; a Dalai Lama. Maybe even a consultant. I’m excited to explore the uncharted territories of my life.
Vox: Final comments?
Kieran: I like puppies; long walks on the beach; and my days of selling drugs are long behind me.
If you are interested in getting to know Kieran, email Layla at lsn7 [at] georgetown.edu.