Vox‘s Single of the Week

As a continuation of Voxs Single of the Week, we sat down with College senior Emlyn Crenshaw and discussed her romantic history and future. 

Vox – What’s your name?

Emlyn – I’m Emlyn.

Vox – Where are you from?

Emlyn – I’m from Richmond, Va. It’s close. I love it. It’s me, D’Angelo, and Chris Brown—we’re all from Richmond. 

Vox – Why are you single? 

Emlyn – That’s a question to ask the males of the Greater Washington region. I am pretty lazy with stuff like this. I have a lot of friends that put time and effort into having a Tinder or really working the room at a party. And I just—at the end of the day I don’t care that much. Singledom isn’t really something that bothers me. Probably, a big part of it is my own laziness.

Vox – Tell me a little bit about yourself. 

Emlyn – I’m a Justice and Peace Studies major. First graduating class. I’m one of six or seven. It’s awesome—except over Christmas, meeting my parent’s friends and adults, them asking me what I’m doing after graduation, there’s so much confusion about what the hell Justice and Peace Studies is. One of my dad’s friends thought I said “Justice of the peace;” he thought that we had a whole major for justice of the peace and that I was studying to be that. I mean, it’s not out of the running but he thought that I was like, gunning for justice of the peace, which is strange. I had a weird day this morning. I woke up and someone in Henle had thrown a jar of jelly at our door so there’s puddle of jelly outside of our door. And then I didn’t take a shower until too late so it was cold. And then I cut myself on a serrated knife. And I’m watching The West Wing but I’m right at the point where it’s getting really bad. It’s been a rough morning for me. But I’ll make it through; I’ll persevere. I’m tough, but that doesn’t mean mornings like this don’t get me down.

Vox – What are you involved in at Georgetown? 

Emlyn – I’ve been on the Improv team since my freshman year. It’s my second year as Executive Producer. I also hold a couple of other positions: I’m Team Dad and I am Improv President Taft. We have a very extensive elections process. There are lots of offices.

Vox – Are there any positions you wish you would have gotten? 

Emlyn – No, Improv President Taft was founded for me. The office was created with me in mind, so that’s a big honor. I’ve been Improv President Taft for three years.

Vox – So what does that mean?

Emlyn – It’s just I’m Improv President Taft. It’s a resume thing. Team Dad isn’t really elected, it’s just the role that I’ve come to fill. Some people thing that I’m Team Mom, but I disagree. I was talking to my friend Neil who has since graduated from the team about this dilemma. I feel like Team Dad. I was telling him that a lot of my friends on the team refer to me as Team Mom and he said that I was Team Jewish Mom. So I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out where I fall on that spectrum. But in my head I’m Team Dad. Someone got Team Sean… Sean is my friend who was on the team three years ago and ever since he left the team we elect a new Team Sean every year. I forget who is Team Sean…

Vox – Do you think there will be a Team Emlyn once you go away? 

Emlyn – I don’t know. It’s a really tough burden; I don’t know if anyone would be willing to take that on. It’s a tough office. Anyways, I do that. I have three internships at the moment. Since sophomore year I’ve been doing social media for Gibson Guitar, which is kind of easy because I just sit at my computer and Tweet. Two and a half days a week I’m working with Ashoka—that’s really cool, I love it. I also work with D.C.’s first benefit corporation. It’s a really small startup but the person who started is a friend of one of my professors and is just a really, really great person and has become kind of a mentor, kind of a friend and I’ve just been working with her for a year and a half now. Oh and I work at the medical library. I would at the I.S. desk—I’m sorry, information services desk. I’m using the work lingo, I forgot you’re not in on the DML lingo. It’s a great job in one sense because I just sit and do all of my homework but whenever I do have to interact with someone it’s a medical student, which is rough.

Vox – I’ll make sure that medical students know they need not apply. 

Emlyn – Yeah. Please no.

Vox – Worse date experience. 

Emlyn – Junior year prom—no question. This guy that I didn’t really ever talk to followed me out into the parking lot one day, leaving the school, and called my name and I turned around and he asked me to prom. I was so surprised; I had never really talked to him. I said, “Shit.” So I started thinking what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Obviously, first I was like, I would feel really bad telling him no. It’s not like I had any other prospects. Then I was like, oh, I can get one of my other guy friends to take me, but the guy friend that I had in mind really liked this other girl and was planning on asking her so I was like, I can’t cock block him. Then, I was thinking, my mom always talks about how she was asked to prom by this really nerdy guy in high school and she said no and now he’s like the fifth richest guy in Silicon Valley and she always says, “I wish I’d gone to prom with him.” So anyways, all of things were going around in my head and then I realized that I hadn’t answered him and it had been like 20 seconds, which doesn’t happen in real life. It happens in like, fucking Zoey 101 but not in real life. So I was like, fine, “Yes, I’ll go to prom with you,” and we did not speak until like a week before prom when he messaged me on Facebook to tell me that his parents were not comfortable with him or I driving and they would be escorting us in their minivan. And I said, “No,” and that I would drive us in my 2004 Saturn. And he was like, “No, no, no! It’s not trouble, really!” O.K., fine. So we didn’t talk again until the night of prom. We had a potluck dinner with all of my friends at one of their houses. We all sat down for dinner and all of my friends knew that this was a weird thing so I felt like they were listening to every conversation I had with this guy. We sit down and its all of my friends so everyone’s chatting like normal and he sits downs and says, “So, do you like to travel?” And I started laughing, because I thought it was a joke, but it wasn’t! He had just Googled conversation starters. All of my friends started not laughing but they could tell that I was having a hard time talking to this guy so they were suppressing laughter. Anyways, we make it through a dinner of weird, Googled how to have a first date questions and then after dinner we are going to the dance and his parents are waiting in the minivan and its a big white van where when you squeeze the handle the door opens automatically so he squeezes the handle and it started to open automatically and he says, “Your chariot awaits.” 

I’ve never wanted to die so badly. I wanted lay down in front of the minivan and have it drive over me and then reverse and drive over me again. We got to prom and he was like “Are you going to vote for us for prom prince and princess?” and I was like, no. He goes, “Oh,” and he got his ballot and voted for us. I said no, like clearly—I didn’t think that it was a funny joke, and he was like “Oh, okay, ha-ha!” and then he voted for us. Isn’t that sad?

I spent most of the time talking to teachers at prom, ’cause I hate grinding. Ugh. Let’s not even go there.

School dances caused me much anxiety as a high schooler. I just wish everyone danced like they do at parties on Disney Channel shows. Grinding is not dancing.

Vox – What would be an ideal first date?

Emlyn – I think we should start at the Bagel Bites factory because they need people to test out their new flavors and they’re trying out new ratios of like, cheese to sauce and how long you bake them. My date has an in so we go and we test all of the new bagel bites and we’re very judgmental and we take notes and we walk away with like $500 for being taste testers for the date. We’re super happy so we decide to walk back to Georgetown (I don’t know where the Bagel Bites factory is, by the way, but in this scenario it’s a brisk walk away). So we’re walking and we pass the White House and Obama is there. We’re like, “Oh, hey!” We start talking with him and it ends up being a very fruitful conversation. We talk for several hours and we end up talking him into ending the war on drugs and he takes major steps towards campaign finance reform and he’s like “You know what? I really like you guys, come back anytime you want—you should come over for dinner.” And we’re like, “Great!” We keep walking and we finally get back to Georgetown and this person has a really fancy house in West Georgetown. We go out into his backyard and end the date by making s’mores over a fire pit and watching Spice World on a projector outside under the stars with s’mores. Nothing more romantic than girl power. It’s not too much to ask.

Vox – Do you end up marrying this person?

Emlyn – Oh, who’s to say. Actually, I said s’mores would be a part of our first date—if and when I do get married, s’mores are going to be a very integral part of my wedding. I don’t know if I want a cake—I think I want a s’mores bar. I’ve never been one of those girls to like, dream about their wedding day but I do know that I want a s’mores bar. Maybe, after everyone gets really drunk at like 11, a grilled cheese, or some drunk food equivalent. So I’ve thought a lot about the food at my wedding and not necessarily the rest of it or even if I want to me married as a person. I don’t know. I’ve been thinking more and more that I might not want to get married. But in that case, I would set a cut off date like if I’m not married by 45 I’m still having a huge party with a s’mores bar and an open bar and grilled cheeses at 11 p.m. because I want the food spread that comes with weddings. I don’t know if I want a marriage. I don’t even need the churchy part or the dress part or the gifts part, I just want the food. 

Vox – What is your life nightmare?

Emlyn – Being trapped in a windowless room where they’re playing Kelly Clarkson on repeat. I’m chained to a chair and someone is showing me those videos that different GUSA tickets make dancing around campus and they change the words of the song—I’d have to watch an endless stream of them. And obviously they’d be on mute because Kelly Clarkson is still playing. I’m chained to this chair that has like, a really hard wooden surface and I have a boney ass so that would get annoying. Ugh, that’s my nightmare. 

Vox – How do you feel about one night stands?

Emlyn – I don’t know. Like I said, I’m really lazy about this stuff, so I’m not having one night stands out the wazoo. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, everyone needs a little somethin’ somethin’ every once in a while. 

Vox – Would you say you are the best person at sex who has ever lived? 

Emlyn – I would say no, and I’ll tell you why. There is at least a slight possibility that they just haven’t discovered the person who is better than me yet. Like, you know, what if she lives in some island cut off from the rest of the world? How many people are there on this world, like, 8 billion? There are near infinite possibilities. And I know that I’m better than almost all of them, but there are so many corners of the world that these researchers are assessing. You can search far and wide for the best sexer ever and you might land on Emlyn Crenshaw but what if that’s because you forgot to check one corner in one cave in Lesotho? I would say no… to be safe. 

Vox – What’s the weirdest song you’ve ever hooked up to?

Emlyn – I know that once Phineas and Ferb was playing in the background. Who is to say what episode it was but there’s a song in every episode. 

Vox – If you were to create your own man, a la Frankenstein, what would you include?

Emlyn – Really good cook. Nice elbows, not too leathery. Open to musicals and theater in general. Not the kind of person who would force me to go ice skating or skiing. Very attractive but not in a catalog sense because then I would be afraid that he would hate me. This is hard. It’s like when your mom gives your her credit card to go to the grocery store. I could just not stop. I could list things forever and ever. You don’t have to be a good dancer, but you have to be willing to dance. And like I said earlier in the interview, that doesn’t include grinding. Grinding is not dancing. Grinding is a grotesque display of teenage desperation.

Vox – Favorite T.V. show?

Emlyn – I love Twin Peaks, I’m watching West Wing right now and that’s really good. I loved Breaking Bad. And I love Louis. There’s little inconsistencies and discontinuities in the Louis universe that are so hilarious. Such a genius show. He’s so smart. 

Vox – Do you kiss on the first date?

Emlyn – Heavens no. 

Vox – How do you feel about public displays of affection. 

Emlyn – Don’t kiss me unless we’re ten miles away from civilization. Even then, it has to be through a protective layer of saran wrap. 

Vox – Do you think you’ll ever move back in with your parents?

Emlyn – I hope not. Going home for breaks is always great for like three or four days but after a week I start to regress into this grumpy, moody 14 year old. My parents just start around and knock, “Hey, what are you doing? Just checking in!” And I’m like “NOTHING MOM! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND…” ugh. I fear what would happen if I had to move back in.

Vox – Would you be open to the possibility of getting married tomorrow? 

Emlyn – Tomorrow? Well it depends on who is asking. I mean are you Adam Brody or are you…

Well I was going to say “Are you that guy who played Beans on Even Stevens?” But then I was like, “Well, maybe I’d marry him.” So clearly there’s some flexibility. I’m just not the kind of person who needs to get married, needs to have kids, needs to do this, and do that. 

Vox – Do you like to be courted or do you like to be the pursuer? 

Emlyn – Oh I like to be courted. I’m fairly timid, although I’m working on that—I need to be more assertive. And I am working on that but I also just assume most of the time that like people aren’t interested in me. That’s just my baseline assumption. It makes it hard to be the pursuer. Before even considering “Oh this person is nice” I’m usually like “Aw, they’d never like me.” So I’m working on that. I’ve got some personal growing to do. Maybe Beans is the man for me. Maybe he could teach me how to love myself. 

In my experience, though, the best relationships have been the ones that happen organically. Like, if you have to pursue someone too doggedly then there’s probably something wrong. I like the kinds of relationships that just end up like, “Oh I guess we’re dating now.” That’s much preferred to, “Please? What about now? Will you go out with me?” But, you know, you can’t expect things to fall into place all the time. It’s nice to feel wanted. 

Vox – Major turnoffs.

Emlyn – I’ve had, not like a plethora, but a few dates with guys that spit, like, hawk and spit. I’m not going to ask much of you, and I don’t—I’m not a demanding person, as you heard in my ideal first date. But please don’t hawk and spit. That’s a turn off. The weirdest part was that it wasn’t just a *hawkspit* “Oh, sorry”. It went totally unacknowledged as if it was very normal. That’s a big turnoff. 

Vox – Are you open to guys that are shorter than you?

Emlyn – Yeah. But you can’t tell me that I can’t wear heels… ’cause I’ve had guys try to tell me that before. No, stop. I like shoes a lot and I’m going to wear the shoes that I want to wear so get over your Napoleon complex. Why don’t you just wear heels twice the size of mine and then that fixes the problem? That’s what the Spice Girls did. The tallest one was Sporty Spice so she just wore tennis shoes and then the rest of them just wore platforms that got them to the same height. They’re all the same height because they wear different size platforms. 

If he’s shorter, it’s his burden. 

Vox – Which Spice Girl are you?

Emlyn – I’m Posh. 

Vox – Do you imagine yourself marrying David Beckham? 

Emlyn – I wouldn’t mind it. 

Vox – Do you know how many kids you want?

Emlyn – I think, similar to the wedding thing, I’m not dead set on having kids. There’s something really terrifying about it. I think you would see all of your flaws crystallized in this little person and you would know what’s coming for them. It’s like, oh my gosh I can see your terrible need to people please and you haven’t found your Beans that is going to teach you how to love yourself. You can just see the little kid’s life being wrecked because of the qualities that you gave them. I do worry about that. But I do think that if I had an awesome husband or partner or whothefuckever and we just decided that we would just travel and eat halloumi all day and just go hammock shopping on the weekend instead of hanging out with kids, I could be great with a life sans kids. If I decided I did want to have kids, I would probably have at least two. My siblings are an important part of who I am and how I learned to interact with people. I know I would have been really lonely as an only child and I don’t want to do that to my fucked up kid if I do end up having one. He’s going to weather the Crenshaw gene pool storm with someone else. It’s the least I can do. 

Vox – How do you like it?

Emlyn – Surprise me—but don’t! Ask consent. Consent is important. 

Vox – How don’t you like it?

Emlyn – Anything with Sriracha on the body I’m not into. That’s wasteful. Other kinds of hot sauce are O.K., but Sriracha—it makes the whole town smell awful. People’s lives are ruined because of the creation of Sriracha so we should use it respectfully. Don’t just slather it all over your body. It deserves to be tasted because people are suffering for this. If people are going to be miserable, they should know that they’re miserable so that others may eat deliciously. They don’t want college kids to awkwardly flap around on top of each other covered in this smelly shit. I feel very strongly about that.

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