Just the Tip: Itchy Butts

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Hi yes hello,

I have been doing research on consumer reports lately, but they just don’t have the information I need. Which toilet paper should I buy to keep the forest fire between my ass cheeks contained?

Sincerely,
my butt itches

Dearest My Butt Itches,

First off, I’d just like to applaud you on being brave enough to, if you will, ‘dairy aire’ your disgusting and horrible personal issues to the general public. To be honest with you, though, I think it’s gonna take more than a puny bucket of water to put out the flame—that is your clear and utter lack of self-grooming capabilities. But, not to worry, sweet sweet My Butt Itches, because mama chitchat’s got an ancient DIY Mohenjo-daro remedy up her 2600 BCE sleeve. Believe it or not, even this magnificent Indian civilization (that your humble self-help column writer happens to originate from) had its share of ass problems. All you’ll need to do is cover yourself in liquid gold, procure about one medium hollow stone’s worth of virgin princess blood, boil the skin of a thousand year old goat, and stumble drunkenly on the edge of a volcano while chanting, “Gimme dat rain.” Toss all those elements together, and your itch should be gone by the time Jesus is born.

And if that doesn’t work, I’ve heard Charmin Ultra Soft Mega Rolls are pretty good.

Just remember that I created you,
Sha-cha-cha

 

Dear ChitChat,

How is babby formed? How girl get pragnet?

Sincerely,
How is babby formed?

Dear How is babby formed?

Apart from the terrible spelling and absurd grammatical structure, you’ve managed to ask- what I think many might consider- a very trenchant, hard-hitting, and *original* question. Unfortunately, the answer is pretty simple.

Unprotected sex.

Get a condom // Save the human race,
Luv Shalindakamini Chatlandarkram

One Comment on “Just the Tip: Itchy Butts

  1. Pingback: Should I Tip My Manicurist | Fix How To

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