Dear Emlyn,

I don’t know what to do because I am really frustrated with my roommate, who also happens to be one of my closest friends here (or was at least). First semester we were very close, but now looking back I think the reason we were inseparable is because we both didn’t feel like we had a place for ourselves at Georgetown. This semester I have really tried to branch out because I wanted to be happier and enjoy my time here more, but she apparently didn’t feel the same way. She is negative about Georgetown and creates a negative atmosphere in our room, which I resent her for. She’s not easy to talk to, because she is an extremely defensive and sarcastic person, so I don’t know what to do. Should I just try to separate myself and create space? It’s hard since we live together and I thought we were close friends!

Thanks!
Frustrated & Annoyed

F&A,

The thing about college is that there’s so many fucking people in one confined place. Seriously, who are all of you guys? Are there really this many humans on the earth? Before college I thought there were like 150 people and I had met them all at dance class or my parents’ boozy dinner parties. Anyway, it’s really hard for lovely/friendly/perfect people like you and me to fully accept that you can’t, and probably shouldn’t, be friends with everybody. Hard to grasp, yes, but honestly it’s one of the most important lessons you could learn in college. You’ve got limited time to socialize and an unlimited sea of people who have all tweeted/Facebooked “HOYA SAXA” at some point in time but are otherwise very diverse – you’ve got to be a little choosey. Try to find friends who share your interests, values, sense of humor, and the like.

I’m not saying to practice your bitchface in the mirror this weekend and be a snob to people who bump into you at Leo’s, all in the name of being “choosey.” But I’m saying that if someone is negatively affecting your enjoyment of Georgetown and your cheery disposition, don’t feel obligated to be their BFF just for the sake of being everyone’s BFF. You can (and should) be friendly – invite her along every once and a while, bring up what you love about school, be generally supportive and concerned for her health and wellbeing – but if you two end up not getting along or not connecting on something, it’s not the end of the world. If you want a positive experience at Georgetown, make it happen instead of wasting away in the midst of her negativity.

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Dear Emlyn,

I’m a pretty big deal on Reddit. I don’t know who that fucker on Georgetown Confessions was, but I have kind of a lot of karma (just saying). Anyway, I kind of want to tell my friends about my weird obsession, but I’m worried they’ll judge me. What should I do? Should I be embarrassed?

Thx,
u/REDDIT4EVA

Hi u/REDDIT4EVA,

Helllll no, don’t be embarrassed at all. Your weird obsessions make you fascinating and therefore a gem of a friend. Wave that lil’ freak flag around in little circles like you’re in a parade. Sure, maybe spending hours a day on Reddit is, by societal standards, a little out of the ordinary. But if your friends are friends and not dicks, they should be psyched that you have something a little more off-color to talk about than the weather or the latest sale at Baublebar.

A dear friend of mine from home used to smoke one cigarette a month while driving in her car and listening to show tunes. Another friend once told me he used to paint his face, go to the park, and mime for a few hours just for kicks. WHAT. I’m sorry but how could I not want to talk with these people? What is their deal? This is my chance to learn more about the miming industry!!!!!

This, of course, all holds true if and only if your friends are friends and not dicks. If your friends turn out to be dicks and not friends, don’t worry about it too much. Because they are dicks. Hit them over the head with the internet or something.

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Dear Emlyn,

In high school, I retained a near-4.0 GPA. Since I got to Georgetown, my GPA is sinking and sinking… I don’t want to say what it is, but my parents still think I have flawless grades. I have to send a transcript to still be eligible for a scholarship and I keep putting it off because I don’t want to send my transcript to my parents. What do I do?

Signed,

Dazed and Confuzzled

Hey Confuzzled,

Do you have the kind of parents that drunk text you selfies, or the kind of parents that plaster “Proud Parent of an A/B Honor Roll Student!!!!” stickers all over their cars? If it’s the first kind, just call them and break the news gently. Tell your parents about how university standards differ from high school standards, and explain how you’ve been adjusting to that and what you’ve learned from the change. Don’t just whine about how CPS ruined your life, because even people who love you unconditionally don’t want to hear that. Address the issue intelligently, and they should completely understand. You’re golden. Try enrolling in Math and Society next semester if your GPA needs a little help, and if you’re trying to find a class in which using the word “confuzzled” in a paper would be acceptable.

If you have the second kind of parents, it might be a little trickier for you. Most things are, but you’ve probably known that ever since they got way too invested in the success of your middle school soccer team and made detailed signs to cheer you on. Give the same exact phone call, and don’t be worried if it doesn’t go over well (because it definitely won’t). Hold your own, assure them that you’re working as hard as you can, and don’t promise/guarantee any specific GPA for next semester. That’s how they trap ya. If your parents still can’t get over the fact that they’re not getting another bumper sticker bragging about your academic performance, I suggest bringing in back-up. Talk to your dean about how your parents’ insanity, and see if he/she will shoot them an email to discuss the academic transition you’ve just been through, possible solutions or study habit alternatives, and so on. Your parents will probably be much more willing to reason with your dean than they will with little old you.

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Hi Emlyn,

I have a crush on this guy, but he has a girlfriend … I don’t want to like him, but he’s always nice to me, super flirty, and asking to hang out. Is he teasing? What do I do?

Thanks,
Her Boyfriend’s Friend

Hi Friend,

Have you ever heard of the “group date”? It’s something that parenting magazines think are a thing, but they are not really a thing. Your parents have been informed that, on a group date, rosy-cheeked youngsters (an assortment of girls and boys, no one already paired up or anything) gather at the bowling alley and bat their eyes at each other, hoping to share a milkshake at the local diner with whoever’s caught their eye. I know that sounds dumb, but I swear that book clubs all over America are anxiously jabbering over wine about whether their Suzy or Tommy has any group dates, because that’s how kids are doing it these days. The benefit of group dates is that all of your friends are there, so you can whisper by the shoe rental counter about how cute Tommy’s swoopy hair as the action is unfolding.

That is precisely why, even though group dates are not really a thing, I advise you to organize one anyway. It doesn’t have to be at a bowling alley … you can have a pregame, all go out to dinner, whatever. You just need to be able to have your friends there, so they can help figure out what this kid’s deal is. Maybe he’s just super sweet to everyone and doesn’t really like you in the share-a-milkshake kind of way. Or maybe he really wants dat cake. Your friends can help you decide.

If he’s evidently not into you, I say try to drop your crush so as not to be a home wrecker before the time you turn 25. Busy yourself with DFMOs and/or lots of naps. If your friends agree that he is, in fact, super into you, be very wary. If he and his girlfriend are definitely headed towards a break up, give it some buffer time before you snatch him up again. It’s the proper thing to do. If he and his girlfriend are happily in a committed relationship and he’s hitting on you anyway, gross. He’s not the kind of boyfriend you deserve, so go find someone else to share a milkshake with.

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Dear Emlyn,

So, like many of my friends at other colleges, I planned a spring break trip to Panama City Beach so I could get drunk on the beach for a week with my friends. But everyone at Georgetown seems to be planning on using the break to volunteer and stuff. Am I a bad person for not wanting to do service? And what should I tell my social-justice nerd friends?

Love,
Beach Blackout

Hey Blackout,

Volunteering is awesome and can be a transformative experience, but sometimes you just need a damn vacation. I mean how else are you going to get a new profile picture in your bikini? Don’t count out ASB or some other volunteer opportunity for next time, but going to the beach every now and again is nothing to stress over. Tell your social justice nerd friends that you have been stretched thin this semester and needed to take some time to unwind before going insane. I’m sure everyone’s been there and will understand. You probably realize that a few self-important people may think they’re better than you, because they’ve been super charitable and you just drank mojitos all break. But never fear! Remember that anyone who tries to make themselves look like a martyr for doing service is automatically an asshole. You win twice over, because 1) you can sassily remind them that service is supposed to be a selfless act and 2) you drank mojitos all break.

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Hey Emlyn,

So I met this really cute guy at a party, and I got his number. Now, he’s not anything special—I just want to hook up with him cuz he’s hot. But I also don’t want to be a booty call. He texted me at 3 a.m. asking if I wanted to meet up. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather meet up at a party first and at least drink a bit with him before going back to his place. How do I balance being a booty call and dating?

Thanks,
notaslut

Hi notaslut,

It sounds like you’re looking for a hook up buddy rather than a booty call. As far as I understand it, a booty call is going to call up your booty on the phone late at night for some sexin’, and that’s about it. But a hook up buddy situation can feel a little less like going to get your order at Booey’s when they call your number over the little microphone—as long as you’re clear about your intentions with this guy (see my advice about clear intentions from a few weeks ago, part of Lover Boy’s question), I see no reason why you two can’t mingle around at a party, share a slice at Tuscany’s, or listen to Fabio After Dark together first to get things goin’.

Go ahead and propose the idea if you feel up to it—say you’d be open to having some fun, clarify what that relationship would ideally involve, and emphasize that you’re not looking for a relationship. Just make sure you really, truly, honestly mean that, because falling hopelessly in love with someone who only sees you as a fuck buddy sounds like the plot of a boring Lifetime movie and also would be terrible. Go get ‘em tiger.

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Dear Emlyn,

I came to Georgetown partially because its emphasis on liberal arts and Jesuit values appealed to me. You might say that my chosen major in the College is the peak of unemployability. Think “barista for life” degree. All my friends, however, are starting to get high-powered internships and all plan on going into conventionally smart career fields and it’s stressing me out. What do I tell my friends when they ask me “What are you going to do with that major?” Should I tack on another major for the sake of employability or just stick to it?

Signed,
Worse than Museum Studies

Dear Museum Studies,

Oh my GOD, we should be friends. I’d rather be forced at gunpoint to call Mitt Romney every morning and listen to him describe the dream he had the previous night than declare a major in something like business administration. No offense. Being practical and career oriented is fantastic, but I’d argue that being legitimately interested and invested in your major is just as (if not more) important. Think about it—most employers are looking for people that will go above and beyond in the tasks that they’re given, not people who just ended up at the job interview because someone told them a few years ago that a major in business/finance/management/whatever was a good idea.

Since Goldman Sachs probably isn’t going to hire you if you don’t give two shits about anything business-y besides the massive salary, I say stick with what you love and work on making yourself employable. Even the least practical majors can lead you to internships and networking opportunities that will look amazing on a resume; if you’re a philosophy major, maybe stick in academia and work for a professor or a department. If you’re a visual arts major, intern at a gallery or work in visual merchandising. Ask your favorite professors if they know of any job or volunteer opportunities that could give you a boost, and soon you’ll be well on your way to being a successful adult that’s also semi-interested in your field of expertise! How sublime! SUCK IT BUSINESS MAJORS.*

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Dear Emlyn,

Recently many of my friends’ relatives have been passing away unexpectedly. What’s the protocol when something like this happens? How close to you have to be to mention it or talk to them about it? I’ve been having trouble with that. Even more, what do you even say?

Sincerely,
Uncertain

Hi Uncertain,

There’s really no strict protocol when it comes to helping friends through a hard time, because grief isn’t at all a uniform thing. Some people are really going to want to talk about their memories with loved ones, some are going to want to shut themselves in their rooms and listen to Boyz II Men for two weeks, some are just going to be quieter than usual for a little while.

An “I’m sorry for your loss” or a “How are you doing?” will work fine, but only for people that you’re not really close with. Think: If your mom made you a pie and sent it to Georgetown, would you give this friend a piece of your pie? If yes, that’s a damn close friend and you should probably put a little more effort into checking that they’re okay. A quick “If you want to talk I’m here” can help you gauge where your friend is at, and from that point forward follow their lead—no exceptions. If they clearly don’t want to talk about it, all you can do is be around if that happens to change. Invite your friend to Leo’s a lot for the next few weeks, or maybe choose a dining location that doesn’t remind its customers so much of their inevitable and fast-approaching death.

If your friend launches into stuff about feelings/emotions/memories, listen intently and don’t feel pressured to somehow maneuver it into a super-happy conversation. Even though the finality of things is kind of what gives life any importance at all, that doesn’t mean that death doesn’t suck a fat one. The death of a family member can sometimes be awful and really disheartening, and saying whatever comes up when you Ask Jeeves “What do I say to a friend who had a death in the family?” might not work.

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Hey E,

I’ve been trying to work this whole free love angle at Georgetown since I got here, but nobody seems to be down for casual inexclusive sex or just being friends with benefits (well excluding my gay roommate who seems all too down). Is there just some sort of Catholic conservative aura permeating through the campus, or am I just living in the wrong decade? And in all fairness, I will acknowledge that there is a drunk hookup culture, but I have two problems with that: I like being able to see/talk to someone beforehand, and, on a more practical note, whiskey dick. I clearly need help.

—Lover Boy

Hey Lover Boy,

Woah now Veruca Salt. You just want the whoooole world, don’t you? Look, lots of college boys would love to have a legion of regular casual sex partners that they can rotate through like shoes in a closet—but that’s a little difficult to achieve (yes, especially at Georgetown). I’m not saying lower your standards, because I learned in kindergarten that you can do anything you set your mind to (like getting Kyle Jones held back for cheating off of your spelling test!!! Or free love I guess). But I am saying to just loosen up a little bit, let go of the pretty rigid idea of “casual inexclusive sex,” and give yourself some time to get into the groove.

Aggressively seeking tons of women to sleep with probably makes you seem like a creep, but I’m going to assume you’re very nice … so tone it down lest you’re coming off like a hunter-gatherer. Maybe one Tuesday you’ll douse yourself in Axe, meet a nice girl in the stacks, and have a pleasant one night stand. Maybe you’ll go to a Dems party and enjoy/suffer through a 20-minute DFMO. Whatever. Just let it happen, stay safe and respectful, and maybe in time you’ll find a girl or two who is game with your whole Summer of Love act.

I feel I should add that you need to be pretty upfront with your intentions, or at least imply them somehow—especially if you’re not going to use liquid courage. College kids may not expect drunken one night stands to lead to anything, but sober conversation and everything is a little different.

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Yo E,

Still trying to figure this Twitter thing out. What is retweeting people?! What does it mean when someone DMs me?!? I am not sure so i have just been favoriting a lot of stuff. Confused.

Blessings,
Pope Benny

Hey Pope Benedict XVI (@Pontifex),

Congrats on getting a verified account, and welcome to the wonderful world of Twitter you krazy kat! I’m looking at your current page right now, and you’ve definitely got a long way to go—although I do like the sassy yellow background, I’d recommend adding “#TEAMFOLLOWBACK” to your bio. It’s a Twitter thing. Also, your page says you haven’t favorited a single thing yet, so I have no idea what you’ve been doing.

I notice that you’re tweeting a lot of questions, meaning you may be confusing Twitter with Ask Jeeves. Don’t worry, it’s an easy mistake to make because they’re both websites on which you type things. You’re welcome to tweet questions, but unlike on Ask Jeeves it won’t guarantee you any reliable responses. That’s why, when you asked Twitter how to better celebrate the Year of Faith, you got the unPope-ly answer “hookers and blow.” Maybe just stick to tweeting every time you go to Chipotle or are waiting on someone to text you back about something important.

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