As always, submit your anonymous questions at the end of this post.

VFT,

A while back a bed buddy and I attempted unsuccessfully to have sex. He was using a lousy condom, the kind you get for free and would never buy on your own, and so we had some trouble … getting it in. Since we didn’t have lube, he suggested—and I’m not kidding—that we could use just about anything, like shampoo. I promptly took sex off the table for that night.

But, it got me thinking: Besides baby oil (because anyone who owns baby oil definitely only bought it for the bedroom) is there any common household product at all that’s orifice-safe if you’re short on real lube?

[Editor's note: A few commenters noted that baby oil weakens latex condoms, so it should not be used as a lubricant.]

I’m no lubricant MacGyver, so I’m not even going to try to recommend a lube-focused grocery list. In the time you spend pondering the weird substitutes you might put inside of yourself, though, why not just walk down to CVS and pick up some of the real stuff?

More importantly, your question throws up a bunch of red flags about that cheap-o bed buddy of yours. Free condoms and shampoo as lubricant? Sounds like the kind of kid who only takes you to dinner at Qboba. On half-priced Monday.

Can you actually imagine leaping out of bed mid-hook up to grab a bottle of shampoo from the shower? Then having the debate on whether it’s better than the conditioner? Doesn’t exactly set the mood, if you ask me.

Tell you man friend to lock it down; it won’t break his bank to invest in legitimate lube, and more importantly, the between-the-sheets experience will be much better.

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Venus Fly Trap is back for another round of sex and relationship advice. Got a question? Tell her about it in the anonymous submission form at the bottom of this post.

VFT,

I’m a freshman and this girl is really into me, and I’m digging her too. We’ve already hooked up a few times and I feel like she wants to start heading toward the “official” status. I have no problem with relationships, but should I really be heading into something in my first month of college? Will she stop putting out if I just extend our informal hook up period? HELP ME!

—Newbie

Hear that sound? That’s me rolling my eyes.

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[Editor's Note: After whole weeks of anticipation, it's time for the inaugural edition of Venus Fly Trap's yet-to-be-named sex and relationship mailbag. If you have a question and you're dying for some advice, don't be bashful; the anonymous submission form is at the end of this post.]

What do you do if you across a situation with a man who is super cute, nice and just generally hot. Then you head back with him and start to go a little further when you realize his manhood is less than well endowed and thus you stop being interested. Do you just leave? Do you tell him why? Do you just proceed forward even though you are no longer into it?

— Big is Good

Whoa whoa whoa. Super cute, nice and just generally hot? And you and he actually go to Georgetown?

Listen up, BIG—unless you’re trying film an amateur porno over in Henle, get over yourself. Super cute, nice, generally hot, AND well endowed is a fantastic combo, but unless that mythical creature is perched outside of Healy Hall swinging his twig and berries, you might need to adjust those steep standards. Poor Prince Charming can’t grow that peen out like it’s a damn Chia pet.

Besides, would you rather have a mean, ugly guy with a Shaq-sized manhood? If you’re looking for an impersonal bang buddy, then by all means, leave this guy behind. But just because a man’s got it, doesn’t mean he knows how to use it. And who knows, maybe Prince Charming can wield that tiny sword like nobody’s business.

Next time you’re thinking size is the only thing that matters, just remember the story of David and Goliath. David used a tiny ball for a HUGE win.

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