I can say with 99% certainty that the Date Labbers who set up this week’s date are not Jewish. Both of the daters are technically members of the tribe, but they’re clearly on different planes in terms of religious observance, and anyone who’s seen Fiddler on the Roof would have been able to tell that this match was doomed from the start.

He’s hardcore observant–keeps kosher, wears a yarmulke, visits Israel once a year–and she’s far from it (”[Inside, the women were] all wearing skirts and have multiple children, because that’s what Orthodoxish people do. I’m wearing my skinny jeans, my boobs are hanging out, and I’m going, Oh, this is mortifying.”) He wants a Crown Heights-style shidduch date followed closely by marriage and kids (”I’m [almost] 26, and I do have some pressure and some personal desire to have kids in the near future”) and she couldn’t be more terrified by that (”Dude, I’m 24; I’m not ready.”)

Surprisingly enough, the date is a total failure.

Rating: 3-4. Even though this was a painfully awkward encounter, I’m a sucker for anything Jewish, so I got a kick out of it. But aside from that it was pretty par for the course.

Chances of Success: 0. He’ll definitely have at least two kids with names like Chana and Rivka by the time she’s starting to maybe think about moving in with someone.

Funny people are usually fun to read about, so I was feeling pretty good about this week’s Date Lab. In the pre-date questionnaire, she says, “I’m told I’m funny in an ironic sort of way” (although I would have believed her a little more if she had actually cracked a joke.) Meanwhile, he shows off his own sneaky-funny vibe in the dream date question, saying that, “My biggest wish is that she wouldn’t cheat in fights.”

The date itself goes well, although they’re both awkwarded out by the fact that the restaurant’s staff is so intent on them falling in love. Weirdly, they’re both surprised by the fact that the other person likes NPR; he apparently thinks that’s abnormal for their age (23), but I’m pretty sure the 11,292 members of the i heart npr Facebook group and the Voice’s own Simone Popperl would disagree.

Radio predilections aside, both of the daters say they’re better off as friends. But when he loses her card (intentionally or not) and fails to contact her again, her interest is renewed. She gets back in touch with a Facebook message, he invites her to a party, she says she probably won’t make it. Maybe that little bit of validation was all she needed?

Rating: 3. Reading about the waitstaff being so intense was just kind of squirmy, and there wasn’t much on the plus side to compensate.

Chances of Success: 2. The initial date probably didn’t provide enough momentum for them to make it through another round of this hard-to-get back-and-forth nonsense, so I’m guessing that’s the end for these two. But since they didn’t actively despise each other, you never know.

It’s Date Lab Rat, but this week, it’s late. This just means fewer days till your next installment.

At first, this week’s Date Lab pairs a shared love of the outdoors, nerdy consulting jobs, similar backgrounds and mutual sushi appreciation. Success, right? When they ended up hanging out in his car for an hour and a half, I was almost sure of it.

According to the follow-up, though, they only got as far as texting the next weekend and failed to meet up while they were both out. He doesn’t seem entirely averse to seeing where things go (”I assume we’ll see each other at some point”) but she doubts he’ll make it happen and has no intention of making the first move (”I don’t really expect to hear from him.”)

Rating: 4. The date is cute, and for once these people actually seem like someone you could know in real life, which is nice.

Chances of Success: She’s afraid of getting burned (”I’ll put the ball in your court. I guess it’s a coping mechanism. I’m not ready to get my hopes up.”), and probably not without reason. But they both seemed into each other enough that texting/meeting up during a future weekend night out is almost a guarantee if neither of them is dating someone new. The verdict: 4 that they’ll meet up again, 2 that it’ll actually last.

When a guy says he’s looking for someone “not tall or short,” you probably think he’ll be the one to dismiss his blind date as not up to par. Oddly, though, it’s the girl in this week’s Date Lab who ends up dismissing her date on looks alone. She starts off the post-date interview with the damning, “He’s not the kind of guy that I’m attracted to…I kind of made up my mind that it wasn’t going to go anywhere.” Sure, it’s not me, it’s you.

She takes everything he says the wrong way, and vice versa. She gives the date a 3 but sounds super bitchy about it, while he somehow manages to sound nice even while giving it a 1.

His parting comment? “I think the most off-putting thing was that she made up her mind from the beginning and didn’t even try to get to know me. I wish she had at least tried to make the best of the experience.”

The commenters all side with him, saying she shouldn’t have been so quick to write him off, but I have to disagree. Being led on is way worse than being shut down from the outset. Man up and rip the Band-Aid off.

Rating: 2. Actually being a part of this date was probably more awkward than reading about it, but not by much.

Chances of Success: 1. I mean, she’s 29. Standards have to drop eventually, so you never know.

Sex and the City is dead. By the end of its sixth season four years ago, it was already a parody of its former self, and the movie’s desperate attempt at resuscitation was the final nail in the coffin. So I’m not sure why a ridiculously large percentage of DL’s women applicants continue to namedrop the HBO series as the TV show that most closely approximates their dating lives.

Even if the reference wasn’t so dated, comparing yourself to any one of the characters isn’t particularly flattering, so I had low hopes for this week’s female dater, who described herself as “all four women.” Wait, so you’re an uptight shopaholic workaholic tramp? Hot.

She must be more pleasant in person than the SJP and her harpy friends are, though, because the date is a winner (it could be because he’s got a little Sex vibe, too, at one point saying, “I don’t normally eat dessert, but cheesecake is my version of crack cocaine.”) They bond over growing up on farms and backing Barack Obama, and he sneakily gets “confused” and walks her to the wrong Metro stop. Seems a little amateurish for a 47-year-old, but who am I to judge — according to the Post’s follow-up, they went out several more times and are still together.

Rating: 4. I’m happy for them that it was a success, but all the talking about dieting and working out was seriously boring. And once again, the headline was a spoiler. Stop doing that!

Chances of Success: 4. rah62 on the WaPo comment board said it better than I can: “Yikes - such an obsession about fitness and body image. The moment one of them gains 15 pounds, the other is gonna be outta there.” But barring that, the outlook is pretty good.

In this week’s Date Lab, she says: “I’ve also dated guys who haven’t been so nice, but I’m really good at making excuses for people.”

He says: “Quickly insecurity evolves into a web of mistrust and accusations.”

If the DL team was looking for an epic mind battle of tears and fears in this week’s edition, the duo’s questionnaire answers set them up for success. Despite the inauspicious beginning, though, they’re both attracted and things seem to be going well. She offers him her number, and they both rate the date a 4.

When he tries to follow up, though, she gives him a total brush-off when she meets someone else (not returning his calls, then explaining why in the Post interview.) For someone who accuses other people of not being nice, would it have killed her to send him a thanks-but-no-thanks text? Yeah, it’s a little uncomfortable, but man up.

Rating: 3. The daters are pretty generic and uninteresting, and rejection always sucks. The comments are pretty wild, though.

Chances of Success: 0. Once you’ve been turned down in a major newspaper, it’s pretty safe to say that’s the end.

If love really is a battlefield, then the guy in this week’s Date Lab went thermonuclear in his questionnaire. He manages to be both funny and insightful, saying that the TV show of his dating life would be “like “Temptation Island” but without the dignity and restraint.”

Meanwhile, she lists Pilates as one of her desert island DVDs and thinks that one of her brag-worthy traits is that “she can provide you with the Democratic agenda without even looking at talking points.” Aside from not being that unusual in DC, is that really the best she can do?

She must be better in person, or he must be considerably worse, because the date is a hit. Dinner goes well, and they end up chilling by the Capitol fountain, and maybe more, as the Post is all too eager to point out with the article’s subhead (”Is it a euphemism when he says they ‘hung out’ in her car?”)

This is irritating because:

• Duh, it is
• They’re on a date! There’s nothing wrong with that, and I’m not sure why the DL team is being so middle school about it
• They totally gave away the ending

Rating: 3. This is a solid DL, but not spectacular. The dude wasn’t nearly as funny in the interviews as he was in the questionnaire, and she’s a bore, but everyone needs someone.

Chances of Success: 4. The follow-up at the end of the article says they went on a second date, but the real proof? He’s already defending her on the Post’s comment board.

Two cute, Asian, athletic 25 year-olds meet for dinner at Morton’s. Things could get sexy fast, but when they first spot each other in the restaurant, she says he’s hot “for an Asian guy”. After the initial impressions, the date itself goes fine, though the follow-up fizzles because he’s ditching town for grad school next month. Not the hoped for sexiness, but no harm done, right?

Not so fast. Commenters at the Post went nuts over the to-date-or-not-to-date-an-Asian situation. Some reamed the Daters out for their preconceived biases:

“For an Asian guy”??? That was simply foul - perhaps one of the most demeaning things I’ve read in Date Lab (and I’ve read every single one).

While others took on dating biases Freud-style:

They seem like two really nice people. However, I just don’t understand the phenomena [sic] of Asians being attracted to other races. Is it a self-loathing thing?

Or took the all-out inappropriate slur-dropping tack:

I think we got two twinkies in a pack!

The debacle raises an interesting question about whether or not the matchmakers should take fundamental differences like ethnicity, race, or religion into consideration in setting up these dates.

It would be overly PC, not to mention naive, for the DL team to pretend that ethnicity doesn’t play any role in who people choose to date. But it’s just as dumb to assume that two people will hit it off just because they have that in common and not much else, and these two didn’t seem like that promising a pair. I mean, he likes City of God and she likes Pirates of the Caribbean.

Rating: 1. The whole drama just made this white girl kind of uncomfortable.

Chances of Success: 0. If he was sticking around DC, they might have had a chance, but as it stands now, no way.

An athletic “international disaster relief specialist” and a younger Eastern European blonde — what’s not to like? Everything.

This week’s Date Lab is screwed from the start, with both daters sounding a little nuts in their questionnaires. I’m willing to forgive her excessive earnestness (”He must have sparks in his eyes. He must have a dream!”) because she’s an immigrant from Belarus who probably learned English from Ghost. He has no such excuse for an inappropriate use of sneer quotes (”creative type,” “itchy feet”).

The dinner goes fine, with conversation about green card lotteries and African coffee. In a perfect 180 turn from last week, he takes note of the fact that she finishes her meal “really slowly” — apparently eating speed is something guys notice on a first date. He can tell that she’s more into it than he is (”I wouldn’t be surprised if she contacted me”), and it shows in their ratings: he gives the date a 3, she rates it a 4 and is ballsy enough to email him for a second date, but her missive goes unreturned.

Rating: 2. The dude is undeservedly smug, and it’s no fun to read, especially because the girl is so genuine.

Chances of Success: 1. He didn’t answer her email. Unless she wants to take things extralegal (a move I’d approve of, if only for the entertainment), this is the end.

This week Date Lab pulled another gimmick by having an astrologer set up two daters based solely on their birthdates. Just like with the monkey, though, she was probably given a pretty limited selection, since these two have plenty in common without matching their houses of Jupiter.

They’re both eco-friendly outdoorsy do-gooders, and they’re only a year apart in age. He seems to be taking the whole thing a little too seriously (name-dropping Camus), but it’s a promising match.

The date starts well when she holds her own chatting about the World Cup and the NBA, but goes downhill fast when he takes the tomboy theme way too far by commenting on her eating habits. (”She has a hearty appetite. It was a total compliment”). Even if he’s into feeder porn, the attraction’s just not there for either of them: she’s weirded out that they look so much alike (”It’s definitely the ethnic thing, being too much alike as far as external features”); he thinks they don’t look quite alike enough (”I kind of go for lighter-skinned Asian girls.”)

He offers coffee after the dinner date, but she blows him off: “I was like, ‘No, I need to catch up on my sleep. I’ve had some late nights.’ And, honestly, I have. I recently bowed out with someone I was attracted to because of being tired.” Right. I’m definitely not buying that excuse, especially combined with her 3 out of 5 rating. He gives it a 5, but agrees that they’re better as friends.

Rating: 3. These two clearly aren’t going anywhere, but cattiness is always fun to read, so his quips about her eating made for some amusing moments, and the astrology gimmick didn’t interfere with the article. Neither one of the daters seems too crestfallen that they didn’t meet the love of their lives, so you don’t even have to feel bad about enjoying it.

Chances of Success: 1. It would take a serious star shift for these two to end up together.

Flickr photo from user swanksalot used under a Creative Commons license