In two incidents early Saturday morning, girls living in LXR Hall reported waking up to find an unknown man in their rooms.

At 4:30 a.m., a female student woke up “to find a male laying in bed next to her,” according to a Department of Public Safety alert. The suspect, who was described as a six-foot tall South Asian male with short black hair wearing a black sweater, collared shirt and tan pants, fled after the student screamed.

A person matching the suspect’s description was last spotted climbing the fence in the LXR courtyard, then fleeing on Prospect Street towards campus. DPS searched the area, but failed to track down any potential suspects.

After issuing the alert, another female student contacted DPS today to report an unknown man who “shook her awake by the shoulder” at 3:30 a.m. The suspect, who was described as a six-foot tall, freckled white male wearing a dark crew shirt, a stripped maroon sweater, and tan pants, left the apartment after the student woke up. According to a DPS alert, he was last spotted by the victim’s roommate fleeing the scene.

In both incidents, neither victim was physically harmed and no valuables were stolen. If anybody’s got some leads, give DPS a call at (202) 687-4343.

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To: info@facebook.com
From: Mike Stewart
Subject: DisgraceBook

To Whom It May Concern:

I’m sure you have received many e-mails this morning. I’m also sure you were prepared for that—people naturally resist change, after all, and even during the Revolutionary War a sizeable portion of the population remained Loyalists to the British crown. And those people were so wrong as to resist the foundation of the greatest country the world has ever known! So a little resistance, and un-American resistance at that, is no reason to cower before the Facebook’s sudden facelift, right?

No, fascist. The American Revolution was a glorious uprising in favor of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, not a huge invasion of personal privacy, a Big-Brotherish look into the personal lives of random acquaintances, or just downright creepy. Really, why not just change the site name to 1984.net or Room101.gov? Hell, why should I even have conversations with my friends anymore when I can find out who they slept with last night via your one-stop stalker shop?

I’m sure my high school friends who just ended 3+ year relationships were thrilled to have their dirty laundry aired on all their friends’ facebook homepages this morning. And believe me, I needed nothing more this early afternoon than to find that Person X is no longer in the group “syphilis isn’t so bad,” while so-and-so joined “thong wearers anonymous.” Really, I didn’t think they even let guys in that group.

I’ve long wondered what purpose Facebook served, and now I think the answer is clear: to be creepy. What’s that, I already used the word “creepy?” That’s because it’s the only word I’ve heard anyone use to describe these changes. What’s next, a detailed list of every profile I looked at in the past day? Digital projections of what I must look like naked? Streaming video of a friend’s latest colonoscopy?

Sure, Facebook has served some limited purpose in the past, almost exclusively when there was someone I needed to get in touch with on short notice. I would say 48 hours is a legitimate window for y’all to fix your act before I erase my account and encourage everyone I know to do the same. There’s a reason McDonald’s doesn’t sell foie gras: the practice is cruel. But more importantly, McDonald’s is gross, can’t be trusted, and knows it should stick to things that can only make people moderately ill, like partially white meat chicken. Just give us our partially white meat chicken back, Facebook, and we can learn to peaceably coexist. And the less healthy among us can remain addicted.

Yours,
Mike Stewart

Posted by Mike Stewart, Feature Editor