Although we really, really wanted NBC Washington‘s story about cupcake bouncers to be true, it isn’t.

“Because of the long line, we posted employees outside to greet customers and hand out menus,” Georgetown Cupcake co-owner Sophie LaMontagne said. “I don’t know about this whole bouncer rumor. They’re sixteen-year old girls!”

The alleged bouncers, originally spotted by Eating Around DC, also hand out water bottles to customers waiting in line.

We can’t help but imagine the ramifications of cupcake bouncers. Maybe they would deliver forearm shivers to Midwestern tourists. Maybe Julian Vaughn could work two jobs. And maybe, in our wildest dreams, they would assault a DC Cupcakes cameraman.