After a 24-plus-month gestation period, which included innumerable meetings, hearings, and bitchings, this week the University and the neighbors finally welcomed into the world the long-overdue bundle of joy that is the 2010 Campus Plan. And after reading its provisions, the Vox commentariat quickly realized that this plan looks a lot more like its Burleith-dwelling mother than we’d hoped, and boy, is she ugly. Below, we have the best of the best from this championship commenting week.
I have a bad feeling about this…
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
On this fated afternoon I will face the chairman of our Georgetowne high council, Knight Ron Lewis, in grisly hand-to-hand combat to determine whose vision for the Campus Plan will prevail in fair Georgetowne. Lord Mayor Vince Gray will preside over the carnage and enforce this ancient rite’s sole rule–no kicks to the junk.
I am confident that this sickening fight to the death atop Georgetown’s seal represents the best interests of our entire community, as with my flanged mace, Grinder, I have never failed to pulverize the eye jellies of my enemies.
As many of you know, we have exhausted all other options for resolving this dispute. In February, a leadership team from the university and representatives from the neighborhood began a new set of negotiations, convening in the great Healy Hall of our forefathers to drink mead, dally with maidens fair, and blow our noses in the tablecloth. Each attendee got a suckling pig to himself. But with our number unable to find common ground after 47 hours of intense, closed-door negotiation, Lewis rent his garments, and in a fury unto madness, invoked “victoria aut mors,” which is why Olson, my boy squire, is strapping me into my resplendent armor, which some say was forged for John the Thompson, second in his name, as I dictate this.
I want to express my deep gratitude to the many members of our community who have sent me wreaths of laurel to bid me good fortune in my fight. But in the intervening hours before we celebrate my glorious victory, when I shall mount what is left of the head on Georgetowne’s great gates, we must prepare for the beginning of the next step for our university–a Great War that will unite the thuggish MSB tribes of the North, the SFSers of the South, with all their sibilant scheming, and the inscrutable mystics of Wolfington Hall.
Georgetowne is a university, and soon, it will control all its surrounding neighborhoods. Today, we move forward as one army, the distant thud of whose footsteps will drain the spirits of Lady Lenore Rubino’s most seasoned fighters, and engulf our enemies’ world in flame and despair.
I look forward to continuing to the work that lies ahead in the spirit of deep engagement and partnership.
John of Gioia
King and Lord Commander of the fearsome Blue and Grey