This week, the Voice‘s satirical Page 13 cartoon, editors Cannon Warren and Christy Geaney illustrate a move that would bring Georgetown’s basketball team to the national championship.

In this week’s issue of the Voice, DinoJack comes to life through this cartoon by DJ Loose Cannon. Whether or not DinoJack deserves glorification, his presidential excellence sure as hell warrants a shiny trofy. 

This week, the Voice‘s fashion issue featured some sweaters and scarves and other autumn gems. Page 13 editors Cannon Warren and Christy Geaney bring you their interpretation on fall fashion, with some practical and useful suggestions on how to dress to impress.

Last week, Vox reported on the University’s search for a new Police Chief to manage the Department of Public Safety. The Voice’s special investigations unit, Page 13, has obtained a preliminary draft of the job posting. Our University source, who wishes to remain anonymous, thought this draft description may better represent the position to any potential applicants. Click here for the final, published draft. What follows is the unedited first draft of the University’s description of the Police Chief position.

The Department of Public Safety (DPS) is responsible for maintaining a year-round, safe environment at the front gates, in Copley Formal and around the Alumni Lounge. Its staff consists of the Police Chief, Associate and Assistant Directors, Patrol Captain, Sergeants, and recently-hired, former Rent-a-Cops who were not informed their positions lack firearms.

DPS officers are commissioned “special” police officers, vested through the District of Columbia Metropolitan Police Department, with full powers of intimidation on campus property. DPS works closely with the Metropolitan Police Department and District of Columbia Fire Department, much to their chagrin.

The Police Chief reports directly to the Vice President for University Safety, who coincidentally is being removed from the Police Chief position (good luck with that!). The Office of University Safety reports to the Senior Vice President and oversees planning and response efforts for emergency situations.

[At this point in the draft copy Page 13 obtained, handwritten comments from the pen of President DeGioia appear. We have reproduced them here to the best of our ability.] Despite being in the work of “public safety”, we need a police chief who isn’t afraid of giving orders to pepper spray the hell out of protesters. Nothing annoys us more than protesters voicing their “opinion” in Red Square. First thing that happens is a couple of people gather…[unintelligible]….and the hippies control the school! [Scrawl continues for several more lines, but lacking a DeGioia stone, we are sadly unable to decipher its meaning.]

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This photo was blurred to protect the Voice staffers involved from facing President DeGioia’s wrath.

Even though the Voice did not publish an issue this week, we couldn’t allow ourselves to deprive the Georgetown community of our glorious Page 13. Below, we have a rundown of the HOYAlert text messages that all of campus received at the most inopportune times throughout the past week, which informed us of disastrous weather, NSO disruptions, and just how close to utter annihilation the campus really was.

Georgetown Emergency Alert Notification

8/23/11 11:37 am

There might be SEVERE WEATHER this afternoon.  Students are advised to remain indoors.  Leavey Center will remain open for the duration of the rain.

8/23/11 4:28 pm

Reports indicate a SMALL EARTHQUAKE occurred in Washington D.C.  Students should remain OUTDOORS under all circumstances.

8/24/11 5:54 pm

HURRICANE WARNING.  Students should remain INDOORS under all circumstances.

8/25/11: 6:30 am

LOCUSTS spotted near Yates.  MultiSport Field Turf has been destroyed.  Students advised to carry Raid at all times.

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