Sober kids, even Ivy League ones, can be stupid too

A campus-wide keg ban is, as the Voice has reported, suddenly a real possibility. With that in mind, check out this fine piece of journalism coming out of Harvard, where a similar keg ban went so poorly it was revoked. While finely-tuned b.s. detectors will start beeping wildly by the end of the first paragraph, by the fourth or fifth they’ll be going seismic.

Beginning with the argument that Harvard students should be more mature than their peers at other colleges (apparently daddy’s trust fund is a real character-builder), the writer comes to the conclusion that the Harvard administration is justifiably trying to get students more drunk and put them in more dangers so they’ll learn their lesson and not drink anymore. Let’s hope that gem shows up on the next admissions brochure, right below a picture of smiling students of every race getting kidney transplants. Here’s where that Ivy League brilliance really shines through, though (after the jump):

“Thus, integrity must be instilled in the citizenry indirectly. Citizens must be allowed to make choices (as choosing to do good with the option of doing the opposite is the essence of integrity), but laws must be designed to ensure those who make poor choices suffer the maximum consequences. This is why, for example, I also support a high tax on condoms and the abolition of legalized abortion. Without readily available contraception or abortion clinics, it is true people will just have unsafe sex and unsafe, alleyway abortions, but then those people will be forced to suffer the consequences of their actions. They will be forced to see the detriments of license and the values of self-control and propriety.”

Good thing someone finally realized that the best way to discourage unsafe sex and abortion is to encourage unsafe sex and abortion. Apparently the “value of self control” doesn’t extend to not arrogantly pushing your crooked moral belief system on other people.
I don’t think there’s too much more to say about this that isn’t painfully obvious. Just read the whole thing and suddenly realize that the fact that Harvard rejected you (admit it, they did) doesn’t really mean that much.

As a side note, it’s a little scary that this “paper” is also a college weekly founded in 1969. It’s not surprising, however, that it’s called the “Independent.”
Posted by Mike Stewart, Feature Editor

One Comment on “Sober kids, even Ivy League ones, can be stupid too

  1. Until this paragraph, at the end, I thought that the piece might actually be satirical:

    “The fact that the keg ban is such a heated issue is a sad statement on the maturity of Harvard’s student body. The idea that getting drunk is somehow something desirable is a na├»ve delusion which most (though sadly not all) of these students will one day abandon when they have grown up.”

    Yes, Harvard must have skipped over me because I wasn’t an independent thinker like this kid. Only a true geniusl could run tie such a twisted knot of logic in only 11 paragraphs.

    Since when was it a crime for a 20 year-old to act like a 20 year-old?

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