The Real World DC Power Rankings: Week One

With a nod to Mark Lisanti and his Mad Men Power Rankings, Vox Pop will be running episode recaps of The Real World DC … just for you! Rather than bore you with summaries, every week we’ll rank house members in order of entertainment value. Rankings were determined with a scientifically thorough process that definitely didn’t involve a bottle of liquor.

1) Andrew (previously: unranked)

This crazy son-of-a-bitch lies about EVERYTHING (i.e. sky-diving, cage fighting, music, photography). If he isn’t a virgin, I will go to the National Zoo, murder Butterstick, and wear his pelt on my head.  Andrew is a magnificent asshole.

Vox Pop Oddsmaker (5/1): Andrew is the Georgetown Cuddler.

Choice quotation: “I’m definitely not a racist. I’m a big basketball fan. You can’t be racist and like basketball.”

Moment of high comedy: Scheming to sleep with Emily while standing under a picture of JFK. Or breaking a closet when he does pull-ups. Or taking a photo of Ashley’s cleavage. Or getting fired from his college newspaper for offending women and lesbians. Or immediately asking Ty how much he can bench-press when he meets him.

2) Ty (previously: unranked)

Ty is from Baltimore! And he compared his life to The Wire! Ty casually mentions that he’s had sex with more than forty-five girls. He is a stubborn atheist who trashes “close-minded” religious folk, like Mike. In a wonderful example of nominative determinism, Ty is very particular about his ties.

Vox Pop Oddsmaker (9/2): Ty joins the Church of Scientology.

Choice quotation: “What do you weigh…like 180 pounds?”

Moment of high comedy: Moments before he walks in, Ashley says, “I’m waiting for the really hot black guy with big muscles.” THAT’S FORESHADOWING, MTV STYLE.

3) Emily (previously: unranked)

She was “raised in a cult-like religion” and is “making up for lost time” by dancing, rock-climbing, shooting guns, getting tattoos, and dating women. Emily believes all of Andrew’s lies.

Vox Pop Oddsmaker (25/1): A sex tape starring Emily leaks before Groundhog’s Day.

Choice quotation: “He’s not wearing a Jesus shirt. I think we’re going to get along.”

Moment of high comedy: Emily parries Andrew’s spooning proposal, despite the alluring sexual attraction of his stuffed polar bear, Mr. Snuggles.

4) Ashley (previously: unranked)

Ashley was a “delegate for Barack Obama. She is a Democrat. BUT—she is religious! And she compared D.C. to both Mecca and an alien mothership. Her stepfather tried to hurt her with a pillow when she was a child. She looks exactly like Johanna from The Real World Austin.

Vox Pop Oddsmaker (1/2): After a night at Rhino, Ashley will bring a man back to the house only to abandon him once she discovers he has a back tattoo of George W. Bush. Later, Emily will sleep with him.

Choice quotation: “My most prized possession is my passport because to me, [it] equals freedom. Have I been able to use it before? No. Is there a stamp inside? No. But it’s having it that makes me feel comforted.”

Moment of high comedy: Ashley walks into the Ronald Reagan room, scowls, and says, “No.”

5) Josh (previously: unranked)

Josh is a high school dropout, former gang member who has “held a gun plenty of times.” He likes tuxedo vests and punk rock. He walks around the house with a bottle of Jack Daniels and tries to make Ty feel comfortable by claiming he has slept with “at least 30.”

Vox Pop Oddsmaker (7/2): Josh will try to recreate Led Zeppelin’s infamous mud shark incident in the bathroom of the Rock and Roll Hotel.

Choice Quotation: “It’s going to be hard to keep the beast in the cage, if you know what I mean.”

Moment of high comedy: Erika moving out of Josh’s room after she find out he wants to pound her out.

6) Mike (previously: unranked)

Mike is the token “I don’t want to be known as the token X” guy. He is quite religious and fights with Ty at dinner about The Problem of God. Mike casually mentions that he is bi-sexual, but would rather tell his housemates about his love of snowboarding. He took his shirt off in his audition tape. Before the show, Mike lived with his parents.

Vox Pop Oddsmaker (3/1): Mike inadvertently reveals the identity of a “masked bro” he meets on Craig’s List to MTV viewers across the country.

Choice Quotation: “Fifteen girls and five guys.”

Moment of high comedy: The aforementioned religious debate with Ty, moderated by Ashley.

7) Callie (previously: unranked)

Callie is afraid of cars, people (i.e. black people), and music because her hometown is small. She wanders around Dupont Circle for hours, likely scavenging for food and begging Tom Murphy, of homeless fame and chess prodigy fame, for directions to the house. She orchestrates the Ty/Erika room switch.

Vox Pop Oddsmaker (100/1): Callie befriends Marion Barry.

Choice Quotation: “Most people would think that a vegan, earth type of a person [Ed: I think she’s referring to this] would totally be liberal, but I am not liberal, at all.”

Moment of High Comedy: Moving all of Ty’s clothes and worldly possessions into Josh’s room because she’s “a little uncomfortable rooming with Ty.”

8) Erika (previously: unranked)

Erika describes herself as “a little bit crazy … definitely a lot of rock and roll.” She plays the piano and writes her own songs. She came to D.C. to supposedly find a producer. I guess? Although she’s at the bottom of the rankings, she’s got tremendous upside potential for future episodes.

Vox Pop Oddsmaker (4/1): Erika’s boyfriend visits and Josh fights him. Afterwards, Erika’s boyfriend sleeps with Emily.

Choice quotation: “I’ve never cheated on anyone, except for one time.”

Moment of high comedy: When Erika is walking up to the house, Andrew sees her and shouts, “Oh! A lesbian!”

9 Comments on “The Real World DC Power Rankings: Week One

  1. Nice article, the show (aka 25 minutes of Andrew talking) has great potential..

  2. Decent premiere but it still can’t compete with Jersey Shore as my favorite guilty pleasure

  3. this is great. look forward to reading these each week!

  4. all the characters are totally unlikable, but at least andrew is entertaining.

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