The Real World DC Power Rankings: The final episode
Sometimes, something ends and it reminds us all of life’s fleeting, impermanent nature. Last night, America felt its own mortality a little more keenly as we were forced to say good-bye to our seven favorite roommates and watch them all move on to bigger and better things. I don’t like to think about it. Not because it still brings tears to my eyes, but because it grosses me out to think that these people are out there somewhere, no longer quarantined in a mansion.
1) Mike (previously #2)
Mike hit the two extremes this week: on the one hand, he and his visiting father went to a Human Rights Campaign dinner with President Obama as the keynote speaker, and then marched on the Capitol for gay rights. On the other, the night before the HRC dinner he got massively drunk, started a flirty fist fight with a cute guy from the bar, and woke up the next morning with a hangover and a gash in his nose. Smooth.
Choice Quotation: “I’ve been convincing my dad that I am in D.C. and being serious and working for nonprofits, and now I’m going to show up at the door looking like I got gang raped.”
Moment of High Comedy: He realizes that he needs to drag his hungover self to an important dinner while in the confessional complaining about how it’s the worst morning of his life, and immediately begins screaming profanities.
2) Andrew (previously #4)
This week we learned it’s that if Andrew’s girlfriend really is as big of a fame-seeking gold digger as we thought, then she’s really, really bad at it. After realizing that the show was ending, she decided that she wanted to leave her life in D.C. and move back to Denver with Andrew, to his self-described “little Star Wars, X-Men fortress.” He was wary about the whole thing originally, but changes heart by the end, apparently realizing he’s never going to find a girl as hot as her once he’s no longer on TV.
Choice Quotation: “Spock would say she’s just illogical.”
Moment of High Comedy: When he tells Andrea he wants her to move in with him, he buys her a rabbit hat. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.
3) Callie (previously #5)
In an attempt to bolster her photography career one last time before returning to crazy, southern, middle-of-nowhere town she came from, Callie puts together an art gallery with her pictures in them, along with some paintings by Andrew and poetry by Ashley. She gets extremely frustrated when Andrew leaves all his painting to the last minute, but the exhibit winds up a success, and she gets pretty drunk afterward to celebrate.
Choice Quotation: “Since you couldn’t make out, you decide to punch?”
Moment of High Comedy: During a game of Truth or Dare the night before they leave, she kisses Mike.
4) Emily (previously tied for #6)
Although she put her poetry on display in Callie’s gallery, and we’ve heard clips of some gems she’s written in previous episodes, we unfortunately didn’t really get any hilarious bits of poetic Real World wisdom from her to laugh at. But we did get to watch her do a runway walk in her underwear down the hall on a dare, and then unnecessarily climb on Josh’s lap and nearly kiss him.
Choice Quotation: “I think he is a great guy, who really likes sex and really likes women.”
Moment of High Comedy: She assumes the job of Mike’s makeup artist when he needs to conceal the battle wound on his nose in front of his father.
5) Ty (previously #3)
The one great thing about Ty this entire season is that he’s been so predictable. He’s always going to insult people, he’s always going to pretend he didn’t insult them, and he’s always going to attempt to offer advice but really just recap the problem. I’m willing to bet anything that he’ll be back on one of those shows MTV uses to recycle its past Real World roommates.
Choice Quotation: “Taking pictures, as far as skill goes, I could hand my camera to a kid, a little child at the bar, and say ‘take a picture of my sandwich,’ and he would do just as good a job.”
Moment of High Comedy: He and Ashley go in the confessional together one last time, and you can tell he’s trying really, really hard not to make her mad at him.
6) Ashley (previously tied for #6)
Right as she’s leaving the house, Ashley admits she’s a drama queen. At that point, I think she was the only one who hadn’t said it already. Kudos on the self-awareness, Ash.
Choice Quotation: “Oh the two Christians, marching for equal rights!”
Moment of High Comedy: During Truth or Dare, Andrew has to strip her of one article of clothing. He takes off her shirt, and she’s not wearing a bra. Classy.
7) Barrack Obama
He speaks at Mike’s dinner and says some pretty inspirational things about gay rights and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. But more importantly, he gets about twice the camera time in that single speech than Josh does in the entire episode.
8 ) Josh (previously #1)
He does absolutely nothing, and is also the first one to leave the house at the very end. Where everybody else left heartfelt notes about how much they love and will miss their housemates on a downstairs wall, Josh writes “Wicked Liquid” and tapes a dollar bill under it. As much as I’ve enjoyed watching (and laughing at) this season, that made me remember how happy I’m going to be to never have his face appear on my television ever again.