Page 13 on Vox: A week of disaster hits Georgetown

Even though the Voice did not publish an issue this week, we couldn’t allow ourselves to deprive the Georgetown community of our glorious Page 13. Below, we have a rundown of the HOYAlert text messages that all of campus received at the most inopportune times throughout the past week, which informed us of disastrous weather, NSO disruptions, and just how close to utter annihilation the campus really was.

Georgetown Emergency Alert Notification

8/23/11 11:37 am

There might be SEVERE WEATHER this afternoon.  Students are advised to remain indoors.  Leavey Center will remain open for the duration of the rain.

8/23/11 4:28 pm

Reports indicate a SMALL EARTHQUAKE occurred in Washington D.C.  Students should remain OUTDOORS under all circumstances.

8/24/11 5:54 pm

HURRICANE WARNING.  Students should remain INDOORS under all circumstances.

8/25/11: 6:30 am

LOCUSTS spotted near Yates.  MultiSport Field Turf has been destroyed.  Students advised to carry Raid at all times.

8/26/11: 8:04 pm

VOLCANO spotted erupting out of Book Hill Park.  Students advised to jump from bed to bed to avoid the lava.  Beds have been set up in Leavey Center for students who have no beds to jump on.

8/27/11:  3:16 am

ASTEROID spotted heading towards campus.  Students advised to form astronaut team to destroy asteroid.  Academic accommodations will be made for students whose travel plans have been affected.

8/28/11: 5:24 pm

We have received reports that Egyptian Pharaoh Jack DeGoeia has enslaved Georgetown undergrads to complete construction of the Science Building.  Students are instructed to follow Moses Ayegba across the Potomac and spend the next 40 years wandering to find the Promised Land of the Mt. Vernon campus.

8/29/11: 4:31 pm

NSO OA training has resulted in ZOMBIE ATTACKS on campus.  Students can defend themselves by destroying their brains, or are advised to distract the zombies by asking them how long it’s been, and fleeing to the Leavey Center for a last stand.

8/30/11: 7:11 am

Please be advised that China is planning a nuclear attack on Georgetown in retaliation of the fight.  The remains of Leavey Center will remain open throughout the NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST.  Convocation will be moved to Monday.

List compiled by Rob Sapunor, Jake Schindler, and Dan Robinson.

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