Just the Tip: Inexclusive casual sex? Keep it sleazy, Georgetown

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Hey E,

I’ve been trying to work this whole free love angle at Georgetown since I got here, but nobody seems to be down for casual inexclusive sex or just being friends with benefits (well excluding my gay roommate who seems all too down). Is there just some sort of Catholic conservative aura permeating through the campus, or am I just living in the wrong decade? And in all fairness, I will acknowledge that there is a drunk hookup culture, but I have two problems with that: I like being able to see/talk to someone beforehand, and, on a more practical note, whiskey dick. I clearly need help.

—Lover Boy

Hey Lover Boy,

Woah now Veruca Salt. You just want the whoooole world, don’t you? Look, lots of college boys would love to have a legion of regular casual sex partners that they can rotate through like shoes in a closet—but that’s a little difficult to achieve (yes, especially at Georgetown). I’m not saying lower your standards, because I learned in kindergarten that you can do anything you set your mind to (like getting Kyle Jones held back for cheating off of your spelling test!!! Or free love I guess). But I am saying to just loosen up a little bit, let go of the pretty rigid idea of “casual inexclusive sex,” and give yourself some time to get into the groove.

Aggressively seeking tons of women to sleep with probably makes you seem like a creep, but I’m going to assume you’re very nice … so tone it down lest you’re coming off like a hunter-gatherer. Maybe one Tuesday you’ll douse yourself in Axe, meet a nice girl in the stacks, and have a pleasant one night stand. Maybe you’ll go to a Dems party and enjoy/suffer through a 20-minute DFMO. Whatever. Just let it happen, stay safe and respectful, and maybe in time you’ll find a girl or two who is game with your whole Summer of Love act.

I feel I should add that you need to be pretty upfront with your intentions, or at least imply them somehow—especially if you’re not going to use liquid courage. College kids may not expect drunken one night stands to lead to anything, but sober conversation and everything is a little different.

If this sounds like a bad idea to you, picture the following scenario. You and Suzy have had a couple weeks of fun, but you never told her/let on that you’re just looking to hook up because you’re scared she’d run her pretty little ass in the other direction. Suzy texts you emoji all the time, which is sort of weird but she’s hot-ish so you let it slide. Soon her parents are in town, and you’re out to dinner with them at Martin’s Tavern. You eventually break it off, explaining that you’re not really looking for something serious, and Suzy is pissed. Within a week, every other girl that knows Suzy also thinks you’re a sleazebag and won’t even bump and grind with you in the Dems basement. The same thing will happen even if you don’t endure a month or two of dating Suzy – if you stop calling her after a week or so and act like an asshole to get her to go away, just remember that girls talk. We’ll know. WE’LL ALL KNOW.

Dear Emlyn,

So I’ve been casually dating this girl for about a month and a half. We text mostly every day and see each other about once a weekend, though, we haven’t done anything that’s isn’t PG-13. So I’m wondering, what do I do for her birthday this weekend? Should I take her to dinner? Or is that too serious? And what do I get her? What can we do that’s not just going to some restaurant? I suck at things like this.

Frustrated dotcom

Dear dotcom,

You don’t suck terribly! You un-suck enough to realize that now is not the time to step it up in the romance department, which is something that several young gentleman probably don’t realize. Lots of people may think that making a relationship official or asking someone out on their birthday is great, but it’s just the worst idea guys. Birthdays are supposed to be all about seeing your own face on a cake and feeling like you’re all of a sudden abnormally popular on Facebook, but making someone else’s day all about you/how dreamy you are/what a good boyfriend you’d make is unnecessary. So good for you for wanting to avoid being too serious! You can still do something sweet and fun without turning the pressure way up. I don’t think dinner would be too weird at all, as long as it’s somewhere middle-of-the-road like Surfside for tacos—avoid your 1789s and your Filomenas, and you’re golden.

Still, other things going on around DC might be a little bit more festive and memorable—try the 90s themed dance party at the Black Cat on Saturday, go to a random concert, play a Space Jam drinking game, etc. If you’re worried about it being too date-y, feel free to make it a more-the-merrier type thing—just keep the pressure off and make sure she’s having fun. As for gifts, something like a cupcake or an inside-joke-related trinket should do the trick. Going small and sincere will guarantee minimal weirdness and maximum sweetness. Just nothing from Urban Outfitters, okay? Cool it on the Urban Outfitters gifts, y’all. Nobody wants a glass that says “Take it Sleazy!” Nobody. No one. Zero people. Okay?

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3 Comments on “Just the Tip: Inexclusive casual sex? Keep it sleazy, Georgetown

  1. bad advice to whiskey dick. you should just give up the pretenses and go gay. It’ll be easier for you in the long run.

  2. I love my Urban Outfitters cup. I want to be reminded that “I don’t get drunk. I get awesome” every time I go for water.

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