What would Ron Swanson say: This week’s movie releases

Vox has shown you movie releases in the words of Kanye West, Mallory Archer, and Walter White, and now, she brings you movie releases in the words of the famous Ron Swanson.

After the Dark

“What if we made a movie about the apocalypse?” “Wow, that sounds really novel and not overdone!” “Cool. Also let’s only have attractive 20-year-olds in the cast.” ‘This is going to be so groundbreaking!”

Swanson’s take: “Are you going to tell me a man can’t fart in his own car?”

Vampire Academy 

Based on a young adult book series, yet again another saga cashes in on the vampire trope. Publicity has likened the film to a hybrid of Mean Girls and Twilight. Unfortunately, any movie would be hard-pressed to be as hilariously iconic or as egregiously campy (respectively). Vampire Academy does not seem up to the task. 

Swanson’s take: “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

The Pretty One 

Two identical twin sisters. Two opposite personalities. One dies in a car accident, but everyone thinks the other one died. And the surviving twin goes along with it. Ridiculous? Yes. Watchable? Possibly.

Swanson’s take: “I have so many ideas. Some are simple like take down traffic lights and eliminate the post office. The bigger ones will be tougher, like ‘bring all this crumbling to the ground.'”

Photo: B. Baltimore Brown via Flickr

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