Just the Tip: Not gonna sugar-coat this one

Dear Connor,

I’m a freshman and I’ve already gotten written up. A group of us were pregaming in a dorm and an RA came in and caught us and wrote us up. How bad is that? Should I be worried about any real consequences from this?


Pass the Burnett’s

Dear Pass the Burnett’s,

Your father and I are very disappointed in you. We raised you better than this. We pay all this money for you to go to a top University, and not even a month in, you’re breaking the law and getting into trouble. You know that we have alcoholism in our family, you’ve seen what drinking did to Uncle Max, and just because Aunt Mary only drinks wine at night doesn’t mean that she’s not an addict, because she is an addict. She is an addict, Pass the Burnett’s, and it is just terrible for her health, just terrible. You got written up? Good, maybe it’ll knock some sense into you. What are the consequences? Well, according to the University, a first violation “would typically result in a requirement to complete the disciplinary version of Alcohol.Edu. The student will be charged a $35.00 fee to cover the cost of the program, 5-10 Work Sanction Hours, $35- $50 Fine,” which your father and I will not be paying. That’s on you, young man. Last but not least, maybe you shouldn’t be worried about what the University’s consequences are, but you damn well better be scared of what’s going to happen when you come home, because you are Grounded with a capital G!

Love you no matter what,

Dear Connor,

How useful are office hours, really? Everyone and their mother says that you have to go as much and as often as you can, but every professor I’ve gone to talk to and meet just sits there and expects me to have some huge question about the meaning of life or else I’m just wasting their time. Can we get everyone to stop acting like academic hot stuff just for going to office hours?

Stop the pretensions,

No more office hours

Dear No More Office Hours,

What I think you’re forgetting is that professors have doctoral degrees, which means that they exist on a different universal plane than you; it’s not that you’re wasting their time, it’s just that time doesn’t exist in the unfathomable dimension that professors occupy. Professors are tuned into a kind of “cosmic hum” that puts them on a plane similar to that of the Gods. They have achieved transcendence through academic inquiry and are, with the exception of those holding degrees in gastronomy, both incorruptible and invincible. That being said, office hours are not a waste of time. Sure, it may be difficult to talk to a glitching mass of pure energy that only communicates by oozing crystals from its rune-shaped pores, but there’s a chance that you could absorb some of their powers while you ask them about calculus or Chinese-Russian relations or whatever. So, just suck it up and go to office hours.

Home Depot,
Connor Rohan

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