Just the Tip: Calling all idiots and cat people
As I laid in bed last week trying to learn my timetables, my roommate asked me why I’m so dumb. Initially I was offended because I didn’t consider myself dumb (I have read every A Series of Unfortunate Events novel), but then I started to think. My favorite show is The Bachelor, I’m scared of 3-D movies, and I still don’t know what sex is. Bottom line, I’m stupid and I don’t know what to do about it. Can you please help?
Idiot in Indianapolis
Man, life is hard isn’t it? But don’t fret too much over the inferiority of your own mental capacity. For, as the paragon of all that is perfect and holy, I have dedicated my life to helping the sorry lot of wretched souls like yourself. So here’s what you gotta do. Get rid of everything that you have known or will know, because it’s worthless. Those precious memories of your first birthday? Insignificant. The birth of your first child? Haha, no one cares. Your high school graduation? Please, you could hardly turn an intellectual eye with that torrid memory. Burn it all, because you don’t need it. All you need, m’dear, is Slavoj Žižek. That’s right you heard me. Turn your attention to the philosophical genius and brilliance of this Slovenian hunk of man meat. Learn what “ideology” is as you lose yourself in his dreamy storm-colored eyes. Disillusion your illusionment in the beauty of his frigid white beard. Escape the limits of your human consciousness in Slavoj’s whispy chest hairs and horrifyingly elongated arms. You will become everything you ever wanted and more.
Keep on Dreamin’ Bby,
My cat won’t talk to me? Did I do something wrong?
Dazed and Confused,
Frankly, your ignorance disgusts me. Take your cat-astrophic cis-specied punk attitude and chuck it in the garbage, because there ain’t no place for that kind of talk in 2015. I’ve heard about people of your sorts, thinking you’re entitled to the thoughts, the body, the everything of women. Cats. Did you ever think that maybe YOU are the one that’s the problem, and not your cat. Look, did you ever stop to think that maybe your cat is tired of having to listen to you go on and on about your stupid day when you come home from the “office”? Pfft, yeah right everyone knows what your “office” really is, yeah? Maybe your cat has its own needs and it would just like to be heard. Maybe when you come home from work only to find your cat sobbing uncontrollably over its lack of self worth, you could give her a nice pet instead of buying generic propecia to be O.K.? Did you ever think that maybe that cat of yours just wanted to feel loved again, and knows you’ve been cheating with that damned slut of an Iberian Lynx? Maybe it found those sexts on your phone? Followed you to that seedy Motel 6 on the side of the highway and saw you leave with, what’s her name, Catalina? God, everything is horrible. Everything is going wrong. Thought it was gonna last forever, and then… you’re sitting alone on the bathroom floor pathetic… forever and ever and ever…
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